It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so! ~Mark Twain
Enveloped in white, the Iowa earth seems to breathe a sigh of relief as her winter blanket slowly melts away. Record snowfalls, frigid temps and seemingly endless days of low hanging gray clouds add up to a long, bleak, memorable winter.
But now...
the snow is melting.
the ground is showing.
the sun is rising earlier and setting later.
the season is changing.
the promise that there is life under the frozen ground is real.
this winter, I was fooled at times into thinking that spring would never come.
that the snow wouldn't melt and the icicles would become permanent fixtures stretching from my eaves to the ground.
the endless gray sky clouds blurred my vision and perspective.
we know that we know that we know that the seasons always change; that spring follows winter.
yet somehow in the middle of it all, we lose sight of facts and are dictated by appearances.
since we don't have x-ray vision we can't perceive the dormant plants nestled safely in their winter cocoons waiting to be called up from their subterranean homes into the light and air of a warm spring day.
all we see all winter is what's on the surface...snow and if there's not much snow, dirt.
but the promise is there.
buried under earth.
the promise of life.
the promise of renewal.
the promise of more than meets the eye.
hope.
Awake, thou wintry earth -
Fling off thy sadness!
Fair vernal flowers, laugh forth
Your ancient gladness!
~Thomas Blackburn
Showing posts with label reflect. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflect. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
March...
I've been into hand writing analysis lately. It's always interested me and I've started researching it and dabbling a bit. I love how the subconscious workings of our brain effect something like how we form the strokes of letters on a paper. Anyway, looking at my own samples, I see traits like: highly emotional, holds on to the past, and passionate. All true.
I've always been a passionate person; deeply affected by events, people, art, music, God...all my senses alive.
But the last several years, there's a nagging sense of apathy...of not really caring. I'm sure part of it is from depression, and part from fear of yet another disappointment. Perhaps mid-life issues. Whatever...the reasons for it don't really matter.
What's the cure for apathy?
Several days ago I wrote that at the top of a journal page and I've been mulling it over ever since.
A simple definition of apathy is not caring.
There can be a certain peace in apathy. You don't care what people think or if life's not perfect. You can roll with the punches because you didn't have a lot of expectations for how things should be, so it doesn't matter if they get screwed up.
But too much apathy, a life defined by apathy, seems like a sterile life. Safe. Boring. A life lived within fortress walls...very little emotional, psychological, or spiritual investment in anything because nothing really matters that much.
Content with the status quo and always taking the path of least resistance seems to lead to listlessness, purposelessness and meaninglessness. I don't want my weeks to be a bunch of boring days strung together to make purposeless years culminating in a meaningless life.
Don't get me wrong, even when apathetic, people care for family and close friends. But apathy looks at events like the recent devastating earthquakes in Haiti and Chile, drops a few dollars in the bucket at a fundraiser and keeps going on: taxi-ing kids around, watching tv, reading drivel, buying groceries, attending church, and working all without much thought or emotion, engaging only half a mind, half a heart and probably less than half a person.
I've always been a passionate person; deeply affected by events, people, art, music, God...all my senses alive.
But the last several years, there's a nagging sense of apathy...of not really caring. I'm sure part of it is from depression, and part from fear of yet another disappointment. Perhaps mid-life issues. Whatever...the reasons for it don't really matter.
What's the cure for apathy?
Several days ago I wrote that at the top of a journal page and I've been mulling it over ever since.
A simple definition of apathy is not caring.
There can be a certain peace in apathy. You don't care what people think or if life's not perfect. You can roll with the punches because you didn't have a lot of expectations for how things should be, so it doesn't matter if they get screwed up.
But too much apathy, a life defined by apathy, seems like a sterile life. Safe. Boring. A life lived within fortress walls...very little emotional, psychological, or spiritual investment in anything because nothing really matters that much.
Content with the status quo and always taking the path of least resistance seems to lead to listlessness, purposelessness and meaninglessness. I don't want my weeks to be a bunch of boring days strung together to make purposeless years culminating in a meaningless life.
Don't get me wrong, even when apathetic, people care for family and close friends. But apathy looks at events like the recent devastating earthquakes in Haiti and Chile, drops a few dollars in the bucket at a fundraiser and keeps going on: taxi-ing kids around, watching tv, reading drivel, buying groceries, attending church, and working all without much thought or emotion, engaging only half a mind, half a heart and probably less than half a person.
When I die, will my life be simply a series of days filled with tasks without any other purpose than to do as I please? God forbid it.
So, what's the opposite of apathy? Without consulting a thesaurus, I decided one antonym of apathy, to me, is passion. If apathy is not caring, the opposite isn't simply caring, but passionately living.
I see evidence of passionate living all around me...
After they were married last fall, my nephew & his new bride, instead of the conventional route of getting jobs and "settling down", took off for a six month adventure to New Zealand. Every blog entry, blurb on facebook, and picture radiates living to the fullest; no hint of apathy.
My friend J is running a half marathon to raise money for cancer research. Setting her eyes on a goal, she's striving daily with passion and determination to reach it. No apathy.
Another friend, M is training for a triathlon to honor her mom who passed away last year. No apathy.
About six month's ago, N tearfully shared how apathy almost destroyed her marriage. After work & effort, they have a renewed passion not only for one another, but for life. No apathy.
The M's live, work and minister in Haiti. Living, by choice, in primitive conditions, and witnessing the daily struggle for survival in this 4th world country, apathy plays no part in their lives. Even in the mundane tasks, I see deep passion for the family, friends and community in which they live. No apathy.
My own husband recently started a new business venture. At 50, he's stepping out of his comfort zone and risking because he's passionate about his work and providing for his family. No apathy.
So is the cure for apathy living passionately? Can you choose passion or is it merely an emotion? Or is passion simply a personality trait and if you don't have it you're sunk? Or is passion a series of choices that challenge you to go beyond yourself? Is passion faith? If you know me at all, you know I dislike tips, techniques and prescribed remedies claiming that if you follow them something in your life will be fixed. I believe we're too diverse and complex for overly simplistic "cures". So I'm not willing to tell you the 5 steps I think you should take to rid yourself of apathy. I only know that I want to try to make choices that allow my brain, heart and soul to be challenged and through the challenge, through the adventure, hopefully, go beyond apathy.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Beware the Me Monster!
When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen. ~Ernest Hemingway
Brian Regan is one of our favorite comedians. As a family, we quote his material incessantly, much to the dismay of friends who've never heard of him. One of his bits off the DVD "I walked on the moon" talks about a "me monster": someone who only enters into a conversation so they can share their own story or top someone elses.
It's such a funny, true, convicting sketch. Take a few minutes to watch it...
Did you laugh? I've seen it countless times, and I still do!
I hope I don't enter into conversation solely so I can tell my own story, but I know I'm guilty of immediately interjecting my own tales; maybe not to out-do the other person, but certainly to make sure I'm heard.
That's it isn't it. We desperately want to be heard. To be known. To be valued even if it's for a few seconds because of an insignificant story.
Funny creatures we are.
I think that's why people sought, followed, and adored Jesus. He listened and saw through all the layers of bravado and junk to the heart of the speaker.
That's the kind of person I want to be. More concerned that someone else is being heard and understood than myself.
I want to listen today...this week...this life...really listen and not be a "me monster".
But oh, how short I fall from that goal.
God, may my ears be open and my mouth be shut today!
Brian Regan is one of our favorite comedians. As a family, we quote his material incessantly, much to the dismay of friends who've never heard of him. One of his bits off the DVD "I walked on the moon" talks about a "me monster": someone who only enters into a conversation so they can share their own story or top someone elses.
It's such a funny, true, convicting sketch. Take a few minutes to watch it...
Did you laugh? I've seen it countless times, and I still do!
I hope I don't enter into conversation solely so I can tell my own story, but I know I'm guilty of immediately interjecting my own tales; maybe not to out-do the other person, but certainly to make sure I'm heard.
That's it isn't it. We desperately want to be heard. To be known. To be valued even if it's for a few seconds because of an insignificant story.
Funny creatures we are.
I think that's why people sought, followed, and adored Jesus. He listened and saw through all the layers of bravado and junk to the heart of the speaker.
That's the kind of person I want to be. More concerned that someone else is being heard and understood than myself.
I want to listen today...this week...this life...really listen and not be a "me monster".
But oh, how short I fall from that goal.
God, may my ears be open and my mouth be shut today!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Packaging
My mom has this quirky little habit of wrapping gifts with no tape. No, I'm not talking about using a gift bag. She wraps gifts with ribbons and bows and no tape. It's fun to watch her.
My friend & I were talking recently about how our Christian life is not always wrapped up in beautiful packaging with ribbons and bows and certainly without tape.
The other day, two separate people told me about something they'd heard on the radio about how you know you're hearing the voice of God if you have peace about it. I completely disagree. The radio announcers were wrapping God, and how He speaks to us, up.
As I look back over my years of writings and journals I realize that I habitually tied up everything neatly with a lesson, moral, Bible verse, truth, or nice neat little conclusion. If you do more prayer, Bible study, worship, (fill in the blank), then God will speak, "bless" (again, fill in the blank). Larry Crabb, in his book The Pressure's Off, calls this the law of linearity: A + B = C.
The last several years have been a process of God putting that law of linearity to death.
Spiritual life...God...can't be wrapped up.
Just when I think I've figured something out about Him, He throws in a wrench, messing up my pretty packaging. Just when I think I understand a passage or story from the Bible, He shakes up my notions.
No, our lives, our God, our Theology, our doctrines, can't be tied up with no loose ends hanging out. As breathtaking as God, Scripture and His creation is, it simply cannot be packaged by us humans into neat little cliches, sayings, spiritualized self helps, choruses or moral lessons. Perusing Christian literature, studies and blogs and listening to some Christian music (both old & new), you would think that our God, with the proper theology, scripture reading, understanding & prayer, can be understood. You might get the impression that if we feast on a steady diet of God, we may not figure Him out completely, but we'll certainly be able to categorize our knowledge and our experiences into lovely packages of understanding that will lead to clarity. A+B=C.
Often, we fool ourselves into thinking we do these things to know God better, when in fact we simply want to contain Him; to figure Him out; to discover His secrets; to somehow become mini-god's. We use language to suggest that it's all about God. But in reality we make it about us. Because what if you do everything you think you're supposed to, and it doesn't "work". A+B=?? We've put the emphasis on our actions. We've turned God into an obligatory responder to our behavior.
Throughout the Bible, people misunderstand, misinterpret and misrepresent God.
Even Jesus' own disciples didn't understand what Jesus came to do and came to be. They assumed a King would overthrow the existing government. They assumed He would come with a sword. Peter even chastised Jesus when He said he'd have to suffer and die.
We're so limited.
Despite all God's given us, we don't understand Him.
We try. Oh how we try.
We suffer under the delusion that "knowledge is power" as Francis Bacon contended.
My dear friend who's faced more loss in her 35 years than most experience in a lifetime describes herself as a perpetual two year old with God. A toddler can't possibly understand why they can't play in the road or that the pain of a scraped knee won't last forever, or that you can't have candy all the time. And no amount of reasoning or explaining would help them understand. They're not developmentally capable of it. And so we are with God.
No, done thinking I can figure out God and finished with tips and techniques to discover His will or hear His voice, I put myself and my understanding at His mercy. He reveals what He wants to reveal when He wants to reveal it.
So here I am, God. No agenda. No expectations that if I act a certain way, you're obliged to respond in a predetermined manner.
No conclusion other than you are God and I am not.
God is God Steven Curtis Chapman
And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don’t know
And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust
God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God
And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Till the only burning question that remains
Is who am I
Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass
[chorus]
Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through Him and from Him are all things
So let us worship before the throne
Of the One who is worthy of worship alone
My friend & I were talking recently about how our Christian life is not always wrapped up in beautiful packaging with ribbons and bows and certainly without tape.
The other day, two separate people told me about something they'd heard on the radio about how you know you're hearing the voice of God if you have peace about it. I completely disagree. The radio announcers were wrapping God, and how He speaks to us, up.
As I look back over my years of writings and journals I realize that I habitually tied up everything neatly with a lesson, moral, Bible verse, truth, or nice neat little conclusion. If you do more prayer, Bible study, worship, (fill in the blank), then God will speak, "bless" (again, fill in the blank). Larry Crabb, in his book The Pressure's Off, calls this the law of linearity: A + B = C.
The last several years have been a process of God putting that law of linearity to death.
Spiritual life...God...can't be wrapped up.
Just when I think I've figured something out about Him, He throws in a wrench, messing up my pretty packaging. Just when I think I understand a passage or story from the Bible, He shakes up my notions.
No, our lives, our God, our Theology, our doctrines, can't be tied up with no loose ends hanging out. As breathtaking as God, Scripture and His creation is, it simply cannot be packaged by us humans into neat little cliches, sayings, spiritualized self helps, choruses or moral lessons. Perusing Christian literature, studies and blogs and listening to some Christian music (both old & new), you would think that our God, with the proper theology, scripture reading, understanding & prayer, can be understood. You might get the impression that if we feast on a steady diet of God, we may not figure Him out completely, but we'll certainly be able to categorize our knowledge and our experiences into lovely packages of understanding that will lead to clarity. A+B=C.
Often, we fool ourselves into thinking we do these things to know God better, when in fact we simply want to contain Him; to figure Him out; to discover His secrets; to somehow become mini-god's. We use language to suggest that it's all about God. But in reality we make it about us. Because what if you do everything you think you're supposed to, and it doesn't "work". A+B=?? We've put the emphasis on our actions. We've turned God into an obligatory responder to our behavior.
Throughout the Bible, people misunderstand, misinterpret and misrepresent God.
Even Jesus' own disciples didn't understand what Jesus came to do and came to be. They assumed a King would overthrow the existing government. They assumed He would come with a sword. Peter even chastised Jesus when He said he'd have to suffer and die.
We're so limited.
Despite all God's given us, we don't understand Him.
We try. Oh how we try.
We suffer under the delusion that "knowledge is power" as Francis Bacon contended.
My dear friend who's faced more loss in her 35 years than most experience in a lifetime describes herself as a perpetual two year old with God. A toddler can't possibly understand why they can't play in the road or that the pain of a scraped knee won't last forever, or that you can't have candy all the time. And no amount of reasoning or explaining would help them understand. They're not developmentally capable of it. And so we are with God.
No, done thinking I can figure out God and finished with tips and techniques to discover His will or hear His voice, I put myself and my understanding at His mercy. He reveals what He wants to reveal when He wants to reveal it.
So here I am, God. No agenda. No expectations that if I act a certain way, you're obliged to respond in a predetermined manner.
No conclusion other than you are God and I am not.
God is God Steven Curtis Chapman
And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don’t know
And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust
God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God
And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Till the only burning question that remains
Is who am I
Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass
[chorus]
Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through Him and from Him are all things
So let us worship before the throne
Of the One who is worthy of worship alone
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Drink Deep
Sunday night
Filled with family, fun, & church, the weekend was good.
But then came the email. Written politely, kindly, not meant to upset me... it blindsided me. All my fears, anxieties, and inadequacies rushed to the surface and came out in a flood of tears. I went to bed exhausted, worried, full of fervent prayers and tears still staining my cheeks.
Monday Morning
There's that moment, between sleeping and waking, where the conscious and the unconscious touch and mingle. The period when memories of yesterday and all that's ahead for this day haven't yet invaded your brain. It's bliss, really...this free-associating in between; this no man's land. But in an instant it's gone. Either the pain of yesterday's memories or the pressure of today barge in and steal the beauty of a night of rest.
Fully awake, knowing I needed to lay aside my pride and insecurities and deal with the email, I dragged myself from the warm bed...from denial...from escape...and put my bare feet on the cold hard floor to face reality.
I had a cup to drink and it wasn't filled with coffee.
"Going a little farther, he [Jesus] fell with his face to the ground and prayed, 'My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.'" Matthew 26:39
Jesus knew he had a decision to make. Either accept his "cup": betrayal, anguish and finally death on the cross; or reject it and therefore reject God. For our salvation, He chose the bitter cup at great cost to himself and of infinite worth to us.
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.'" Matthew 16:24
We all have cups to drink. Mine, on this Monday morning, was nothing compared with Christ's. I know that. But it was still mine and no one else's. My husband couldn't drink it. My friends couldn't drink it, or my kids, or my pastor, or my mom...it was mine.
Sometimes our cups in this life are sweet, overflowing with blessing: magical weddings, long awaited adoptions, miracle pregnancies, financial stability making you able to give and give and give, a happy home, healing from a physical ailment...
Sometimes the cup's bitter, filled with anguish beyond our comprehension: loss of a child, divorce, betrayal, abuse, financial hardship, the day to day living with a chronic illness, the consequences of past mistakes...
We don't have a choice but to drink; to live this life. But how we drink it, how we live it, is everything.
Oswald Chambers wrote: "If God has made your cup sweet, drink it with grace; if He has made it bitter, drink it in communion with Him. If the providential order of God for you is a hard time of difficulty, go through with it, but never choose the scene of your martyrdom."
Reading this quote on Saturday prepared me for drinking my cup on Monday. I re-read the email, reevaluated it and my response and decided I couldn't choose the site of my own martyrdom, all I could do was respond honestly and "drink it in communion with Him."
Filled with family, fun, & church, the weekend was good.
But then came the email. Written politely, kindly, not meant to upset me... it blindsided me. All my fears, anxieties, and inadequacies rushed to the surface and came out in a flood of tears. I went to bed exhausted, worried, full of fervent prayers and tears still staining my cheeks.
Monday Morning
There's that moment, between sleeping and waking, where the conscious and the unconscious touch and mingle. The period when memories of yesterday and all that's ahead for this day haven't yet invaded your brain. It's bliss, really...this free-associating in between; this no man's land. But in an instant it's gone. Either the pain of yesterday's memories or the pressure of today barge in and steal the beauty of a night of rest.
Fully awake, knowing I needed to lay aside my pride and insecurities and deal with the email, I dragged myself from the warm bed...from denial...from escape...and put my bare feet on the cold hard floor to face reality.
I had a cup to drink and it wasn't filled with coffee.
"Going a little farther, he [Jesus] fell with his face to the ground and prayed, 'My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.'" Matthew 26:39
Jesus knew he had a decision to make. Either accept his "cup": betrayal, anguish and finally death on the cross; or reject it and therefore reject God. For our salvation, He chose the bitter cup at great cost to himself and of infinite worth to us.
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.'" Matthew 16:24
We all have cups to drink. Mine, on this Monday morning, was nothing compared with Christ's. I know that. But it was still mine and no one else's. My husband couldn't drink it. My friends couldn't drink it, or my kids, or my pastor, or my mom...it was mine.
Sometimes our cups in this life are sweet, overflowing with blessing: magical weddings, long awaited adoptions, miracle pregnancies, financial stability making you able to give and give and give, a happy home, healing from a physical ailment...
Sometimes the cup's bitter, filled with anguish beyond our comprehension: loss of a child, divorce, betrayal, abuse, financial hardship, the day to day living with a chronic illness, the consequences of past mistakes...
We don't have a choice but to drink; to live this life. But how we drink it, how we live it, is everything.
Oswald Chambers wrote: "If God has made your cup sweet, drink it with grace; if He has made it bitter, drink it in communion with Him. If the providential order of God for you is a hard time of difficulty, go through with it, but never choose the scene of your martyrdom."
Reading this quote on Saturday prepared me for drinking my cup on Monday. I re-read the email, reevaluated it and my response and decided I couldn't choose the site of my own martyrdom, all I could do was respond honestly and "drink it in communion with Him."
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Supreme Darkness
There’s no light in the sky.
Early morning, before dawn, I love the quiet.
I love the peace.
I love being the only one awake in the morning.
Still sleepy, I stumble through the house. Not yet ready to acknowledge that my day started, I don’t want to turn on the lights, but my mind is busy with all the preparations of life in the sunlit hours. Laundry to wash, food to prepare, heart to quiet.
Why is “heart to quiet” always the last on my mental list? I don’t even realize it’s not quiet until I notice myself distracted, anxious, and short tempered…and it’s not even light out and no one else is awake.
Thankfully, He calls me.
Gently, quietly, persistently, he calls me to come away with Him. Sometimes that means sitting with my journal, other times it’s pouring over scripture, but today, he called me to the keyboard. Not sure where to start or what to write, I look out the window at the blackness and think once again about the beautiful way God uses creation to point to Himself and remind us of His faithfulness.
It’s black now, but dawn will come.
It comes every day.
The seasons change, the time of dawn and dusk changes, but it still comes; as faithful as He is yet dictated by Him.
For my birthday last year, a dear friend gave me “The Dark night of the Soul” by St. John of the Cross. Not easy reading, by any means. In fact, I'm barely halfway through and it's a not a long book. Although it's hard to get through, I love it. I love that a Spanish, Carmelite monk from the 16th century could write a poem (and exposition on it) that speaks Truth to me 500 years later. It’s given me a new love and appreciation and understanding for the dark nights in my own soul. I’m learning not to despise them or see them as something merely to endure, but rather to see them as a place to meet an infinitely mysterious God.
This mysterious God in the dark night isn’t necessarily a comfort and doesn’t give cozy feelings of love and protection. In fact, at times, His absence is more profound than His presence. But His lurking presence is there.
Like a black hole that can’t be seen but draws everything around it in; that’s God. Like Aslan chasing Shasta & Aravis in "The Horse & His Boy"—dangerous yet there for protection; like Aragorn in the "Lord of the Rings" sitting in the corner of the Prancing pony-- menacing yet somehow good… that’s this “dark night” God.
As light begins to break and this day will start whether I’m ready for it or not, I give the day and the nights ahead, once again, to You, my mysterious, chasing, pursuing, sometimes silent but always good God.
Psalm 30
I will exalt you, O LORD,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
O LORD my God, I called to you for help
and you healed me.
O LORD, you brought me up from the grave;
you spared me from going down into the pit.
Sing to the LORD, you saints of his;
praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
When I felt secure, I said,
"I will never be shaken."
O LORD, when you favored me,
you made my mountain stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.
To you, O LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
"What gain is there in my destruction,
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me;
O LORD, be my help."
You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.
Early morning, before dawn, I love the quiet.
I love the peace.
I love being the only one awake in the morning.
Still sleepy, I stumble through the house. Not yet ready to acknowledge that my day started, I don’t want to turn on the lights, but my mind is busy with all the preparations of life in the sunlit hours. Laundry to wash, food to prepare, heart to quiet.
Why is “heart to quiet” always the last on my mental list? I don’t even realize it’s not quiet until I notice myself distracted, anxious, and short tempered…and it’s not even light out and no one else is awake.
Thankfully, He calls me.
Gently, quietly, persistently, he calls me to come away with Him. Sometimes that means sitting with my journal, other times it’s pouring over scripture, but today, he called me to the keyboard. Not sure where to start or what to write, I look out the window at the blackness and think once again about the beautiful way God uses creation to point to Himself and remind us of His faithfulness.
It’s black now, but dawn will come.
It comes every day.
The seasons change, the time of dawn and dusk changes, but it still comes; as faithful as He is yet dictated by Him.
For my birthday last year, a dear friend gave me “The Dark night of the Soul” by St. John of the Cross. Not easy reading, by any means. In fact, I'm barely halfway through and it's a not a long book. Although it's hard to get through, I love it. I love that a Spanish, Carmelite monk from the 16th century could write a poem (and exposition on it) that speaks Truth to me 500 years later. It’s given me a new love and appreciation and understanding for the dark nights in my own soul. I’m learning not to despise them or see them as something merely to endure, but rather to see them as a place to meet an infinitely mysterious God.
This mysterious God in the dark night isn’t necessarily a comfort and doesn’t give cozy feelings of love and protection. In fact, at times, His absence is more profound than His presence. But His lurking presence is there.
Like a black hole that can’t be seen but draws everything around it in; that’s God. Like Aslan chasing Shasta & Aravis in "The Horse & His Boy"—dangerous yet there for protection; like Aragorn in the "Lord of the Rings" sitting in the corner of the Prancing pony-- menacing yet somehow good… that’s this “dark night” God.
As light begins to break and this day will start whether I’m ready for it or not, I give the day and the nights ahead, once again, to You, my mysterious, chasing, pursuing, sometimes silent but always good God.
Psalm 30
I will exalt you, O LORD,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
O LORD my God, I called to you for help
and you healed me.
O LORD, you brought me up from the grave;
you spared me from going down into the pit.
Sing to the LORD, you saints of his;
praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
When I felt secure, I said,
"I will never be shaken."
O LORD, when you favored me,
you made my mountain stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.
To you, O LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
"What gain is there in my destruction,
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me;
O LORD, be my help."
You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.
Friday, October 2, 2009
As I was doing my hair this morning, it struck me that we spend a lot of time taking care of dead things.
Our hair is dead, yet we spend time, energy and money to make it look nice.
Our nails are dead, yet we file and paint them so people will notice.
They are dead.
It got me thinking about all the other dead things in my life that I dress up, decorate, spend time, money and energy on...
"We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life...For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin- because anyone who has died has been freed from sin." Rom 6
Our hair is dead, yet we spend time, energy and money to make it look nice.
Our nails are dead, yet we file and paint them so people will notice.
They are dead.
It got me thinking about all the other dead things in my life that I dress up, decorate, spend time, money and energy on...
"We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life...For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin- because anyone who has died has been freed from sin." Rom 6
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Rest
"...in repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength..." Isaiah 15:30
Why is repenting, resting, waiting, and trusting so hard?
Arranging, planning, managing...those are easy.
But, although I'm no Biblical scholar, I don't recall in all my years of reading scripture and listening to sermons ever hearing an exhortation to contrive & manipulate our own circumstances.
Yet, that seems as natural to me as breathing. I don't even realize I do it sometimes. And honestly, if you know me, I'm not a control freak...I'm an "in the moment" kinda girl. So how do you more naturally managing people do it???
If I'm laid back & struggle, it must be awful for you.
Or perhaps personality has nothing to do with. Perhaps it's simply human nature to want "dominion" over our selves and our surroundings.
Either way, repentance, rest, quietness and trust are hard things to live.
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:1-3
Why is repenting, resting, waiting, and trusting so hard?
Arranging, planning, managing...those are easy.
But, although I'm no Biblical scholar, I don't recall in all my years of reading scripture and listening to sermons ever hearing an exhortation to contrive & manipulate our own circumstances.
Yet, that seems as natural to me as breathing. I don't even realize I do it sometimes. And honestly, if you know me, I'm not a control freak...I'm an "in the moment" kinda girl. So how do you more naturally managing people do it???
If I'm laid back & struggle, it must be awful for you.
Or perhaps personality has nothing to do with. Perhaps it's simply human nature to want "dominion" over our selves and our surroundings.
Either way, repentance, rest, quietness and trust are hard things to live.
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:1-3
Friday, April 17, 2009
Laying it down...again
Weary...
exhausted...
tired...
searching...
loving...
wishing...
wanting...
waiting...
giving up me...
giving up my rights....
giving up my ways...
laying it all down...again...
"Here is my heart
this is my everything
take it and make me new...
leave me wanting nothing but you" ~Eddie Kirkland
exhausted...
tired...
searching...
loving...
wishing...
wanting...
waiting...
giving up me...
giving up my rights....
giving up my ways...
laying it all down...again...
"Here is my heart
this is my everything
take it and make me new...
leave me wanting nothing but you" ~Eddie Kirkland
Monday, April 13, 2009
Avoidance
A few weeks ago, I had to call someones home right after they'd been through a difficult several weeks. As I dialed, I fully expected to get their answering machine and leave a message. But after a few rings, she picked up. When I got off the phone I thought, there's no way I would have answered my phone. There's no way, the day after my mom died, that I'd answer the phone in a "normal" voice.
Why? Because (and it's only recently been brought to my attention--by none other than God) I am, in fact, a habitual avoider.
I've always been a procrastinator, but I didn't realize how much I avoid.
Conflict.
Work.
Pain.
Stress.
House cleaning.
Hard situations.
People who bug me.
People who hurt my feelings.
People who suck the last bit of energy out of me.
People in general.
Really stupid, trivial things.
God.
Trying to mend my ways, to be obedient, to not miss out on blessings He has in store for me, I'm working on non-avoidance.
But me, being me, wants to know why I avoid.
As you can imagine, there are likely tons of reasons (fear, for instance), but the one that strikes me today, is that I avoid because often, I try to do things on my own. And we all know that failure waits right around the corner from self sufficiency.
"If we undertake work for God and get out of touch with Him, the sense of responsibility will be overwhelmingly crushing; but if we roll back on God that which He has put upon us, He takes away the sense on responsibility by bringing in the realization of Himself."
Oswald Chamber My Utmost of His Highest
I've had several opportunities the last few days to practice non-avoidance...and so far so good. With His reminders, strength and grace, perhaps I'm on my way to being a Reformed Avoider.
Why? Because (and it's only recently been brought to my attention--by none other than God) I am, in fact, a habitual avoider.
I've always been a procrastinator, but I didn't realize how much I avoid.
Conflict.
Work.
Pain.
Stress.
House cleaning.
Hard situations.
People who bug me.
People who hurt my feelings.
People who suck the last bit of energy out of me.
People in general.
Really stupid, trivial things.
God.
Trying to mend my ways, to be obedient, to not miss out on blessings He has in store for me, I'm working on non-avoidance.
But me, being me, wants to know why I avoid.
As you can imagine, there are likely tons of reasons (fear, for instance), but the one that strikes me today, is that I avoid because often, I try to do things on my own. And we all know that failure waits right around the corner from self sufficiency.
"If we undertake work for God and get out of touch with Him, the sense of responsibility will be overwhelmingly crushing; but if we roll back on God that which He has put upon us, He takes away the sense on responsibility by bringing in the realization of Himself."
Oswald Chamber My Utmost of His Highest
I've had several opportunities the last few days to practice non-avoidance...and so far so good. With His reminders, strength and grace, perhaps I'm on my way to being a Reformed Avoider.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Sacrifice
You are not here for you.
A few weeks ago, I wrote about how those words came to echo through my brain and are etched in my mind like a permanent fixture. Throughout the day and even in the night, each time I think somethings not fair or am tempted to have hurt feelings or want recognition or need validation, the words come back to me. Not in a demeaning, demoralizing way...but in a gentle, reminding sort of way.
This morning, quite frankly like many mornings, I felt like I needed yet another reassurance of God's love for me. Opening my Bible, I read the words from I John 3:16: "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers."
Do I really need any more assurances (even though I often feel as if I do)? He laid down His life for me and now asks me to daily lay down my life for others. He loves me because He's allowing me and convicting me and helping me realize the truth of the words "you are not here for you."
The hardest part of this, for me, is that truly laying down my life means anonymity.
Anonymity, according to the dictionary means: the quality or state of being unknown or unacknowledged. We don't like to be unknown. In fact, we all have a deep longing to be truly, deeply known. Yet, when we know we're known by God, the Creator of the universe, being known for what we do seems somehow superfluous.
When we're laying down our lives there's no attention getting, no recognition, sometimes even misunderstanding of what you did or didn't do. Being willing to be ok with all of that often trips me up. Yet the call "you are not here for you" means giving up me.
**After thinking about and rereading the above post, I can't help but notice the dischord between talking about anonymity and publishing a very public blog. Weird.
A few weeks ago, I wrote about how those words came to echo through my brain and are etched in my mind like a permanent fixture. Throughout the day and even in the night, each time I think somethings not fair or am tempted to have hurt feelings or want recognition or need validation, the words come back to me. Not in a demeaning, demoralizing way...but in a gentle, reminding sort of way.
This morning, quite frankly like many mornings, I felt like I needed yet another reassurance of God's love for me. Opening my Bible, I read the words from I John 3:16: "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers."
Do I really need any more assurances (even though I often feel as if I do)? He laid down His life for me and now asks me to daily lay down my life for others. He loves me because He's allowing me and convicting me and helping me realize the truth of the words "you are not here for you."
The hardest part of this, for me, is that truly laying down my life means anonymity.
Anonymity, according to the dictionary means: the quality or state of being unknown or unacknowledged. We don't like to be unknown. In fact, we all have a deep longing to be truly, deeply known. Yet, when we know we're known by God, the Creator of the universe, being known for what we do seems somehow superfluous.
When we're laying down our lives there's no attention getting, no recognition, sometimes even misunderstanding of what you did or didn't do. Being willing to be ok with all of that often trips me up. Yet the call "you are not here for you" means giving up me.
**After thinking about and rereading the above post, I can't help but notice the dischord between talking about anonymity and publishing a very public blog. Weird.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
A Woman at Rest
I'm not talking about a sleeping woman. I'm not talking about a confident woman. I'm not talking about an accomplished woman. I'm not talking about a calm woman. I'm not talking about a passive woman. I'm not talking about a positive woman. I"m not talking about a perfect woman.
I'm talking about a woman at rest.
She speaks truth and sees even the most difficult situations clearly.
She doesn't deny hardship or pain and allows emotions as they come.
She's not always quiet and demure but there's something in her demeanor which exudes peace.
She's not necessarily okay with who she is, but she's great with who God is and it shows.
No need to control, contrive or manage...God's got it.
No need to hang on to the past or worry about the future...God's got it.
She can live in the moment...good, bad or ugly... because God's got it.
She is a thing of beauty and a rarity.
There are many imitations in our world and churches, but few women who truly rest.
If you're privileged enough to know one, thank her today for making her world a better place.
I'm talking about a woman at rest.
She speaks truth and sees even the most difficult situations clearly.
She doesn't deny hardship or pain and allows emotions as they come.
She's not always quiet and demure but there's something in her demeanor which exudes peace.
She's not necessarily okay with who she is, but she's great with who God is and it shows.
No need to control, contrive or manage...God's got it.
No need to hang on to the past or worry about the future...God's got it.
She can live in the moment...good, bad or ugly... because God's got it.
She is a thing of beauty and a rarity.
There are many imitations in our world and churches, but few women who truly rest.
If you're privileged enough to know one, thank her today for making her world a better place.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Simple Life
"Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and let us run with perseverence the race marked out for us." Heb 12:1b
What strikes me about this verse that there is a distinction between "everything that hinders" and "the sin that...entangles". We tend to assume that whatever would hinder us from our Spiritual walk with God, or our "race" would be a sin...but that's not what it says.
On "The Amazing Race" Sunday night, team members had to strip down to their underwear and run over a mile through the streets of Moscow. One of the guys had huge boots on. There he was, sans clothing, but with huge bulky boots.
When I read this verse this morning, that picture came to mind. Those things that hinder us that are not sins are like those big, clunky army boots. They're not wrong or bad but they do nothing to help us run the race swiftly and with perserverence.
I know what's hindering me...expectations, too many commitments, dreams & wishes...
Talking to a friend the other day, we meandered into a conversation about kids activities and people choosing simple lives. I live in a tiny town where, frankly, there aren't always a lot of distractions. That's a blessing. But even here, in Mayberry, life can be hectic and it can be easy to strap on army boots and carry layers of unneccessary baggage while running the "race set out for me". Daily, it's an effort to seek God and willingly shed the extra stuff...to limit the kids participation in activities, to limit my own commitments (to good things), to rest and teach rest to my kids, to show hospitality without "entertaining", to let go of what I think are the "have to's" and sit at His feet...the list goes on...
The other verse that I read this morning that I think dovetails with Hebrews 12 is Psalm 46:10a..."Cease striving and know that I am God."
What strikes me about this verse that there is a distinction between "everything that hinders" and "the sin that...entangles". We tend to assume that whatever would hinder us from our Spiritual walk with God, or our "race" would be a sin...but that's not what it says.
On "The Amazing Race" Sunday night, team members had to strip down to their underwear and run over a mile through the streets of Moscow. One of the guys had huge boots on. There he was, sans clothing, but with huge bulky boots.
When I read this verse this morning, that picture came to mind. Those things that hinder us that are not sins are like those big, clunky army boots. They're not wrong or bad but they do nothing to help us run the race swiftly and with perserverence.
I know what's hindering me...expectations, too many commitments, dreams & wishes...
Talking to a friend the other day, we meandered into a conversation about kids activities and people choosing simple lives. I live in a tiny town where, frankly, there aren't always a lot of distractions. That's a blessing. But even here, in Mayberry, life can be hectic and it can be easy to strap on army boots and carry layers of unneccessary baggage while running the "race set out for me". Daily, it's an effort to seek God and willingly shed the extra stuff...to limit the kids participation in activities, to limit my own commitments (to good things), to rest and teach rest to my kids, to show hospitality without "entertaining", to let go of what I think are the "have to's" and sit at His feet...the list goes on...
The other verse that I read this morning that I think dovetails with Hebrews 12 is Psalm 46:10a..."Cease striving and know that I am God."
Friday, March 13, 2009
Active Dying
As I write this, my dear friend and her precious family are staring cancer and it's effects square in the face. In an email, her daughter (and also a close-as-a-sister friend) wrote that the doctor questioned if her body was beginning the "active process of dying".
Aside from the obvious sadness at this news, and the tears, and desire to be close to all of them, the phrase "active process of dying" struck me.
We think of death as a state of stagnancy not a process of activity. And yet, in our spiritual life, death is all about an active process.
In Angela Morrow's artical The Journey Towards Death she states that "The dying process usually begins well before death actually occurs." If you're a Christian, the day you acknowledged that you needed a Savior and couldn't save yourself, is the day the active process of dying began.
We don't want to die. Even though it's inevitable, we don't like that we are going to die physically. But in the spiritual realm, it seems even harder. As I pointed out in an earlier blog, we love ourselves and we love our sin. We don't want to give up either. We (I) say I want to live life to the full. But I can't, truly live, until I daily die...daily give up my rights, my "glory", my agenda, for His.
It's tough...this active process of dying. But die we must.
Jesus said in Matthew 16:24 "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."
Not an easy process, dying. Losing everything you hold dear...losing who you thought you were and who you expected to become...giving it all up and for what?
Jesus tell us in Revelation 3 "To him who overcomes, I will give the right ot sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on His throne."
**I know that none of these thoughts are new and frankly it feels a little half done, but I'm still processing it. Maybe I'll write more later. By the way, if you want to read some more on irony in our Christian life, check out my friend Jennifers blog: "Getting Down With Jesus" and click on "Beautiful Irony"
Aside from the obvious sadness at this news, and the tears, and desire to be close to all of them, the phrase "active process of dying" struck me.
We think of death as a state of stagnancy not a process of activity. And yet, in our spiritual life, death is all about an active process.
In Angela Morrow's artical The Journey Towards Death she states that "The dying process usually begins well before death actually occurs." If you're a Christian, the day you acknowledged that you needed a Savior and couldn't save yourself, is the day the active process of dying began.
We don't want to die. Even though it's inevitable, we don't like that we are going to die physically. But in the spiritual realm, it seems even harder. As I pointed out in an earlier blog, we love ourselves and we love our sin. We don't want to give up either. We (I) say I want to live life to the full. But I can't, truly live, until I daily die...daily give up my rights, my "glory", my agenda, for His.
It's tough...this active process of dying. But die we must.
Jesus said in Matthew 16:24 "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."
Not an easy process, dying. Losing everything you hold dear...losing who you thought you were and who you expected to become...giving it all up and for what?
Jesus tell us in Revelation 3 "To him who overcomes, I will give the right ot sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on His throne."
**I know that none of these thoughts are new and frankly it feels a little half done, but I'm still processing it. Maybe I'll write more later. By the way, if you want to read some more on irony in our Christian life, check out my friend Jennifers blog: "Getting Down With Jesus" and click on "Beautiful Irony"
Monday, February 9, 2009
Shipwrecked
On FB (face book) I have access to both my son's & daughter's sites (that's part of why I have fb). When I checked my MB's last week I noticed she'd changed something....she'd put her "life verse" right under her name.
When each of the kids were born, Brad & I picked out a life verse for them; I also prayed (and have continued to pray) that God would "write His name on their heart"...or become real to each of them personally. The life verse isn't something we've made a huge deal about, but obviously it's impacting MB.
I wasn't given a life verse when I was born...my parents were not Christians yet. But in the last ten years, God's given me many life verses...words that make an impact on my heart and leave an indelible impression.
One night, in the midst of my darkest depression, when I didn't think I'd make it until morning, God gave Brad the insight, wisdom, and strength to step in and intervene on my behalf. Psalm 40 became very real to me: "He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." Brad was God's physical presence to me, taking my hand and lifting me. That wasn't the end of the struggle, but it was yet another evidence of God's faithfulness to me.
I've thought alot lately about this verse...and the firm place to stand. I have no doubt that I'm on a solid rock; The Solid Rock~ Jesus.
I guess, growing up, I pictured true, solid faith, or someone standing on the rock, kinda like a cartoon: confident Super Faith Girl, with hands on hips, chin up, cape & hair blowing in the breeze, boldly going wherever God wanted her next.
But, as I wrote in a collective journal that a few close friends and I have, the truth of my faith is more like someone shipwrecked on the rock. Pulled from the dangerous seas, I lay, sprawled out, desperately hanging on while the wind & waves threaten and even the rock seems slippery. Most days it feels too risky to actually stand...I more like cling for dear life, afraid at any moment of being swallowed by the sea. I don't feel like a confident Super Faith Girl with my cape flapping in the wind.
The reality of life is that people die--children & loved ones, churches needlessly split, people screw up and sin, they get divorces, they intentionally and unintentionally hurt others, parents abandon their children, mental illness & depression are real...and we all end up shipwrecked. And even after we're rescued, all of the above still exists...it doesn't go away.
As this movie (of me on the rock) was playing in my head and I was praying and telling God all this, He, for a brief moment, pulled back the camera for a wide angle shot. The shipwrecked girl clinging for dear life on a little outcropping of rock wasn't what I thought. I could see that I wasn't clinging to a tiny piece of rock, but firmly planted on a huge bed rock foundation.
I realized that, as I wrote in my last blog, God's got me. I don't have to be Super Faith Girl...I just have to be me. With all my doubts, insecurities, short comings, questions, failures and yes, with depression, He's got me. Through the crap, He's got me.
Continuing to live life in faith, not giving up, not giving in, is standing on the Rock even when it seems like there's no standing involved.
Some of you reading this have never struggled with depression, or your faith. Praise God! That's wonderful for you.
Others of you are more like me. Faith is a challenge. Following & trusting God involves labor.
Some of you maybe think I'm crazy, talking to God and all...you're not sure what you believe or if you believe anything.
If you're part of the first group, praise God and please realize that every one's faith story is different.
If you're part of the second group...well, I don't know what to say because it's a daily battle and although I know I'm safe on the rock, I often don't feel it.
And if you feel like you're shipwrecked and clinging to a plank ready to drown and there's no rocks in sight, please contact me.*
*mailto:*p.horstman@hotmail.com
When each of the kids were born, Brad & I picked out a life verse for them; I also prayed (and have continued to pray) that God would "write His name on their heart"...or become real to each of them personally. The life verse isn't something we've made a huge deal about, but obviously it's impacting MB.
I wasn't given a life verse when I was born...my parents were not Christians yet. But in the last ten years, God's given me many life verses...words that make an impact on my heart and leave an indelible impression.
One night, in the midst of my darkest depression, when I didn't think I'd make it until morning, God gave Brad the insight, wisdom, and strength to step in and intervene on my behalf. Psalm 40 became very real to me: "He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." Brad was God's physical presence to me, taking my hand and lifting me. That wasn't the end of the struggle, but it was yet another evidence of God's faithfulness to me.
I've thought alot lately about this verse...and the firm place to stand. I have no doubt that I'm on a solid rock; The Solid Rock~ Jesus.
I guess, growing up, I pictured true, solid faith, or someone standing on the rock, kinda like a cartoon: confident Super Faith Girl, with hands on hips, chin up, cape & hair blowing in the breeze, boldly going wherever God wanted her next.
But, as I wrote in a collective journal that a few close friends and I have, the truth of my faith is more like someone shipwrecked on the rock. Pulled from the dangerous seas, I lay, sprawled out, desperately hanging on while the wind & waves threaten and even the rock seems slippery. Most days it feels too risky to actually stand...I more like cling for dear life, afraid at any moment of being swallowed by the sea. I don't feel like a confident Super Faith Girl with my cape flapping in the wind.
The reality of life is that people die--children & loved ones, churches needlessly split, people screw up and sin, they get divorces, they intentionally and unintentionally hurt others, parents abandon their children, mental illness & depression are real...and we all end up shipwrecked. And even after we're rescued, all of the above still exists...it doesn't go away.
As this movie (of me on the rock) was playing in my head and I was praying and telling God all this, He, for a brief moment, pulled back the camera for a wide angle shot. The shipwrecked girl clinging for dear life on a little outcropping of rock wasn't what I thought. I could see that I wasn't clinging to a tiny piece of rock, but firmly planted on a huge bed rock foundation.
I realized that, as I wrote in my last blog, God's got me. I don't have to be Super Faith Girl...I just have to be me. With all my doubts, insecurities, short comings, questions, failures and yes, with depression, He's got me. Through the crap, He's got me.
Continuing to live life in faith, not giving up, not giving in, is standing on the Rock even when it seems like there's no standing involved.
Some of you reading this have never struggled with depression, or your faith. Praise God! That's wonderful for you.
Others of you are more like me. Faith is a challenge. Following & trusting God involves labor.
Some of you maybe think I'm crazy, talking to God and all...you're not sure what you believe or if you believe anything.
If you're part of the first group, praise God and please realize that every one's faith story is different.
If you're part of the second group...well, I don't know what to say because it's a daily battle and although I know I'm safe on the rock, I often don't feel it.
And if you feel like you're shipwrecked and clinging to a plank ready to drown and there's no rocks in sight, please contact me.*
*mailto:*p.horstman@hotmail.com
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
I reading...
When MB was little (less than two, I'm sure) she was perched on a chair on top of our bed with an upside down book in her hands. When I asked what she was doing, she innocently replied "I reading."
I don't know how or if you read the Bible. But I've been reading it for a while now and it pretty much always surprizes me. How can a book you've read for 30 years still be fresh and new? Maybe I used to read it upside down and now it's right side up...I don't know.
I do know that I read it differently than I used to. Read in bits & pieces, with someone elses opinions about it close at hand, I'd pour over it underlining phrases. Then I went through a "read the bible in a year" phase and felt so guilty that I couldn't keep the rigid schedule I just about gave up on reading it altogether. For a while I'd read a Psalm and a Proverb each day.
Now, when I have time and am compelled, I'll sit down & read it like a novel...that's probably my favorite way. But I also take passages and read & reread them for days.
This morning I opened up to Psalm 25 (which was heavily marked up, meaning it's been read lots) and started reading, again (italics and unending questions mine)...
To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;
in you I trust, O my God. ahhh, trust, it always comes back to trust...
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me. hmmm...I don't have enemies...but I guess I have an Enemy...
No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame, is that true?? do I really believe that? that anyone who hopes in you will NEVER be put to shame? Why, then, does it seem that godly people are shamed for what they believe or shamed because of others sins? hmmmm...
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse. but I see evil succeed every day...
Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior, You are...
and my hope is in you all day long. it is...it has to be...it's survival...
Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth this always hits me...so much shame in my past...
and my rebellious ways; "prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love"...
according to your love remember me, your love is the only thing that saves me...
for you are good, O LORD.
Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways. I need instruction...
He guides the humble in what is right I need humility, a teachable spirit...
and teaches them his way.
All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful ALL the ways...all...
for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
For the sake of your name, O LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great. there it is again...for YOUR sake, not mine, forgive me for Your sake, for Your name, not for my own...
Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD ?
He will instruct him in the way chosen for him. way chosen for him...wow, I spend a lot of time thinking people in my life should be instructed a certain way, my way, according to what I think is best...but you'll instruct according to the way chosen for each individual...
He will spend his days in prosperity, so, if I'm good, faithful and filled with hope I'll spend my days in prosperity? what kind?
and his descendants will inherit the land. hmmm, real estate...so if I'm good, faithful etc, I'll get more property? pretty sure that's not what that means...but what do I know...
The LORD confides in those who fear him; I love that about you, God, that you choose to confide in us...that you share parts of your plan with us...you wouldn't have to but you do...I wonder why?
he makes his covenant known to them. I always feel greedy for more...more knowledge, more confidences...more trust...more...
My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare. whom have I in heaven but you...
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted. lonely, alone, afflicted, pathetic...
The troubles of my heart have multiplied; heart troubles are the worst...
free me from my anguish. ahhh, sweet freedom...
Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins. all my sins...there are so many...and so many that I hold onto and don't want taken away...
See how my enemies have increased
and how fiercely they hate me!
Guard my life and rescue me; "I need you Jesus to come to my rescue..."
let me not be put to shame; there's that word again...
for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you. hope, healing, life, freedom, grace, peace...it's all in you...
Redeem Israel, O God,
from all their troubles.
Well, thanks for reading along with me. If my side notes were distracting, go read it for yourself and see where He takes you...
I don't know how or if you read the Bible. But I've been reading it for a while now and it pretty much always surprizes me. How can a book you've read for 30 years still be fresh and new? Maybe I used to read it upside down and now it's right side up...I don't know.
I do know that I read it differently than I used to. Read in bits & pieces, with someone elses opinions about it close at hand, I'd pour over it underlining phrases. Then I went through a "read the bible in a year" phase and felt so guilty that I couldn't keep the rigid schedule I just about gave up on reading it altogether. For a while I'd read a Psalm and a Proverb each day.
Now, when I have time and am compelled, I'll sit down & read it like a novel...that's probably my favorite way. But I also take passages and read & reread them for days.
This morning I opened up to Psalm 25 (which was heavily marked up, meaning it's been read lots) and started reading, again (italics and unending questions mine)...
To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;
in you I trust, O my God. ahhh, trust, it always comes back to trust...
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me. hmmm...I don't have enemies...but I guess I have an Enemy...
No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame, is that true?? do I really believe that? that anyone who hopes in you will NEVER be put to shame? Why, then, does it seem that godly people are shamed for what they believe or shamed because of others sins? hmmmm...
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse. but I see evil succeed every day...
Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior, You are...
and my hope is in you all day long. it is...it has to be...it's survival...
Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth this always hits me...so much shame in my past...
and my rebellious ways; "prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love"...
according to your love remember me, your love is the only thing that saves me...
for you are good, O LORD.
Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways. I need instruction...
He guides the humble in what is right I need humility, a teachable spirit...
and teaches them his way.
All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful ALL the ways...all...
for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
For the sake of your name, O LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great. there it is again...for YOUR sake, not mine, forgive me for Your sake, for Your name, not for my own...
Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD ?
He will instruct him in the way chosen for him. way chosen for him...wow, I spend a lot of time thinking people in my life should be instructed a certain way, my way, according to what I think is best...but you'll instruct according to the way chosen for each individual...
He will spend his days in prosperity, so, if I'm good, faithful and filled with hope I'll spend my days in prosperity? what kind?
and his descendants will inherit the land. hmmm, real estate...so if I'm good, faithful etc, I'll get more property? pretty sure that's not what that means...but what do I know...
The LORD confides in those who fear him; I love that about you, God, that you choose to confide in us...that you share parts of your plan with us...you wouldn't have to but you do...I wonder why?
he makes his covenant known to them. I always feel greedy for more...more knowledge, more confidences...more trust...more...
My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare. whom have I in heaven but you...
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted. lonely, alone, afflicted, pathetic...
The troubles of my heart have multiplied; heart troubles are the worst...
free me from my anguish. ahhh, sweet freedom...
Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins. all my sins...there are so many...and so many that I hold onto and don't want taken away...
See how my enemies have increased
and how fiercely they hate me!
Guard my life and rescue me; "I need you Jesus to come to my rescue..."
let me not be put to shame; there's that word again...
for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you. hope, healing, life, freedom, grace, peace...it's all in you...
Redeem Israel, O God,
from all their troubles.
Well, thanks for reading along with me. If my side notes were distracting, go read it for yourself and see where He takes you...
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Choices
"Make good choices!" ~Jamie Lee Curtis to Lindsey Lohan in Freaky Friday
I love that line. I say it to my kids all the time.
Talking with a friend from high school yesterday, we were discussing choices you make and how they effect your life.
Some of our decisions are thoughtless or automatic: get up, go to work, eat, sleep. Some are very intentional: who we marry, where we live, what job we do, who our friends are...a thousand choices each day. Some are little, some big, but each significant in it's own way.
"You did not choose me, but I chose you..." ~ Jesus (John 15: 16a)
Jesus made choices too. How he spent his time, who his friends were, where he stayed. He chose His disciples. He chose people--picked people to follow Him. Conventional wisdom would say that he didn't choose too well...common laborers, hated IRS workers, women with questionable pasts... Rob Bell called his followers "the B team".
Why did he choose them?
Why did he choose me?
Because of my achievements?... minimal. My education... ordinary. My athletic prowess?... laughable. My intellect? limited. My moral code or ability to follow rules?...doubtful.
So why? Why did he choose me or you, if you're a Christ follower?
The fact is, he didn't choose any of us for any merit or strength of our own and he didn't choose us for our sakes.
He chose me and you "and appointed [us] to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last..." ~John 15:16
So it wasn't for our merits and wasn't so we could be forgiven and saved (yet we are) but he chose us to "bear fruit--fruit that will last".
He chose us so we could feed others with the fruit of the Spirit...so we could bless others with more of Him.
"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." Galations 5:22,23
I love that line. I say it to my kids all the time.
Talking with a friend from high school yesterday, we were discussing choices you make and how they effect your life.
Some of our decisions are thoughtless or automatic: get up, go to work, eat, sleep. Some are very intentional: who we marry, where we live, what job we do, who our friends are...a thousand choices each day. Some are little, some big, but each significant in it's own way.
"You did not choose me, but I chose you..." ~ Jesus (John 15: 16a)
Jesus made choices too. How he spent his time, who his friends were, where he stayed. He chose His disciples. He chose people--picked people to follow Him. Conventional wisdom would say that he didn't choose too well...common laborers, hated IRS workers, women with questionable pasts... Rob Bell called his followers "the B team".
Why did he choose them?
Why did he choose me?
Because of my achievements?... minimal. My education... ordinary. My athletic prowess?... laughable. My intellect? limited. My moral code or ability to follow rules?...doubtful.
So why? Why did he choose me or you, if you're a Christ follower?
The fact is, he didn't choose any of us for any merit or strength of our own and he didn't choose us for our sakes.
He chose me and you "and appointed [us] to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last..." ~John 15:16
So it wasn't for our merits and wasn't so we could be forgiven and saved (yet we are) but he chose us to "bear fruit--fruit that will last".
He chose us so we could feed others with the fruit of the Spirit...so we could bless others with more of Him.
"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." Galations 5:22,23
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Identity Theft
"The thief comes to steal and kill and destroy; but I come that you may have life and have it to the full." ~Jesus (John 10:10)
Since the day I was born, someones been trying to steal my identity; he's trying to steal yours too. Full of bold lies and lots of half truths, the Thief will use any weapon he can to attack & steal who we really are. He doesn't want us to live...at all...much less live life to the full as Jesus asserted. He wants us doubting ourselves & God. He wants us to mistrust others and doubt their sincerity. He wants malice & strife. He wants broken relationships to stay broken. He wants you to stay jealous, envious, hostile, doubting, ...whatever your pain or struggle, he wants it to keep you from seeking & finding solace in the only One able to console.
Although I know I'm secure, I've spent a lot of my days "living" as if I'm a victim of this identity theft. Believing the lies and listening to the half truths I forget who I really am. I forget that "I am not my own but belong, body and soul, in life and in death, to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ."*
So, if I'm not my own, did God take my identity? No, God didn't steal my identity, He's always owned it. He's been pursuing me & you since before time began. He knows everything about us. Nothing is hidden from Him...not the most selfless act or the most hideous. He's seen the entire movie of our lives. Amazingly He still loves us and still yearns for us to love Him back.
I know many of you know & believe all this. I guess this entry is more of reminder for me...
*Heidelberg Catechism Question & Answer # 1: What is your only comfort in life and in death?
That I am not my own,
but belong—body and soul,
in life and in death—
to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ.
He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood,
and has set me free from the tyranny of the devil.
He also watches over me in such a way
that not a hair can fall from my head
without the will of my Father in heaven:
in fact, all things must work together for my salvation.
Because I belong to him,
Christ, by his Holy Spirit,assures me of eternal life
and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready
from now on to live for him.
Since the day I was born, someones been trying to steal my identity; he's trying to steal yours too. Full of bold lies and lots of half truths, the Thief will use any weapon he can to attack & steal who we really are. He doesn't want us to live...at all...much less live life to the full as Jesus asserted. He wants us doubting ourselves & God. He wants us to mistrust others and doubt their sincerity. He wants malice & strife. He wants broken relationships to stay broken. He wants you to stay jealous, envious, hostile, doubting, ...whatever your pain or struggle, he wants it to keep you from seeking & finding solace in the only One able to console.
Although I know I'm secure, I've spent a lot of my days "living" as if I'm a victim of this identity theft. Believing the lies and listening to the half truths I forget who I really am. I forget that "I am not my own but belong, body and soul, in life and in death, to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ."*
So, if I'm not my own, did God take my identity? No, God didn't steal my identity, He's always owned it. He's been pursuing me & you since before time began. He knows everything about us. Nothing is hidden from Him...not the most selfless act or the most hideous. He's seen the entire movie of our lives. Amazingly He still loves us and still yearns for us to love Him back.
I know many of you know & believe all this. I guess this entry is more of reminder for me...
*Heidelberg Catechism Question & Answer # 1: What is your only comfort in life and in death?
That I am not my own,
but belong—body and soul,
in life and in death—
to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ.
He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood,
and has set me free from the tyranny of the devil.
He also watches over me in such a way
that not a hair can fall from my head
without the will of my Father in heaven:
in fact, all things must work together for my salvation.
Because I belong to him,
Christ, by his Holy Spirit,assures me of eternal life
and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready
from now on to live for him.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Distorted Views
"Cool! It looks like craters on the moon!" ~spoken by my husband, Brad, circa the turn of the century.
No, Brad was not looking at a photograph or something in nature when he uttered those words. He was looking at the surface of my eyeball through this weird contraption in my dad's office (my dad's a retired eye doctor) during an eye exam.
Craters on the surface of the moon are cool; on the surface of my eye, not so much. I had severe corneal damage to both eyes from improper contact use (let that be a lesson to you youngsters out there). At that time, my yet to be retired Dad prescribed medicine and made me wear glasses for a long time. I followed Dr's orders, my corneas healed, and I went back to contacts.
All was well until last Friday. My eyes started to itch, burn, and then felt like tiny pins were repeatedly pricking them. Not good. Needless to say, I took out my contacts. I haven't been to the doctor yet, but it feels a lot like the craters are back. So I'm stuck wearing my very outdated, not quite strong enough, glasses.
I told Brad this morning how much a I hate wearing them. It's not just vanity (although that is a large part of it...they're also circa turn of the century). It's the fact that when I wear my glasses I feel like I'm not really me. Like I'm looking at the world from within some bubble or something...detached, separated, observing instead of participating, disengaged.
It's weird and I don't like it. My perception of my world is distorted.
Perception is everything, isn't it? How we perceive our world becomes our reality. If we perceive an attack we respond defensively. If we perceive a kindness, we respond with a smile. Well, what if the attack is Truth spoken in love and the perceived kindness is mockery that we miss? What's true? What the situations actually meant or our perception of them?
I've been reading about King David (1 & 2 Samuel) and there's an interesting little exchange between David & his brother. It's in the story of David & Goliath and David's asking the soldiers what's happening in the battle. I Sam 17:28 says: "When Eliab, David's oldest brother, heard him speaking with the men, he burned with anger at him and asked, 'Why have you come down here? And with whom did you leave those few sheep in the desert? I know how conceited you are and how wicked your heart is; you came down only to watch the battle.'"
Eliab knew David. He was his brother. David was Eliab's younger brother. Eliab knew David for David's entire life. His perception of David at that moment was a young man with a wicked, vain, conceited heart who'd shirked his responsibilities for the "entertainment" of the battlefield.
God repeatedly called David a man after God's own heart. So was David conceited & wicked or was Eliab's perception of him distorted? Well, since God's God and knows everything, the answer's easy. Eliab, even though he'd known David for David's whole life, couldn't read his heart or determine his motives. Eliab thought he knew something about David that he didn't know. He thought he was correctly summing up David's actions and heart and had no clue that his perception was distorted.
How many times do we think we see clearly when our perception is distorted?
I Corinthians 13:12 says: "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face."
We think we know God. We think we know people. We think we have insights & understanding when all the while, we're looking though outdated, not strong enough glasses. Maybe our perception is distorted by our past experiences, our circumstances, our sin, and even our own personality...the cause doesn't really matter. The fact remains that until we go to heaven, our view will be distorted and our perception warped. It seems hopeless.
"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD." Lamentations 3:21-26
Thank God He comes in with His mercy & grace and opens the eyes of our hearts so at least we can see that we can't see clearly...
p.s. I feel like this post provokes more thoughts than I have space for or would want to bore you with now...maybe I'll write more later.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Free Life
For those of you who know me, you know I love music--all kinds. Thanks to my younger friends, I'm into this thing right now called "Pandora Radio" or the Music Genome Project. You can create your own radio stations based on songs, artists or genre's. The beauty of the site is that it kicks out music that you may or may not be familiar with so you get to hear lots of "new" artists without buying complete cd's.
Anyway, the last few days I've been listening to The Pogues radio (they're an Irish band) which plays not only the Pogues, but groups whose sound is similar.
One of the songs that keeps popping up is called "Free Life" by Dan Wilson. The words of the chorus struck me:
And in the air the questions hang
Will we get to do something?
Who we gonna end up being?
How we gonna end up feeling?
What you gonna spend your free life on ?
What you gonna spend your free life on? That question rings in my ears and pierces my heart. Firstly do I live free? and if so, What do I spend this free life on? Empty dreams, vain pursuits, right living, self preservation, self protection, doing good, being better?
As I'm writing, trying to think of a way to wrap this up, another song comes to mind...Yahweh by U2:
Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing
Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn
Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don't make a fist no
Take this mouth
So quick to criticise
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss
Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn
Still waiting for the dawn,
the sun is coming up
The sun is coming up on the ocean
His love is like a drop in the ocean
His love is like a drop in the ocean
Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, tell me now
Why the dark before the dawn?
Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break
Anyway, the last few days I've been listening to The Pogues radio (they're an Irish band) which plays not only the Pogues, but groups whose sound is similar.
One of the songs that keeps popping up is called "Free Life" by Dan Wilson. The words of the chorus struck me:
And in the air the questions hang
Will we get to do something?
Who we gonna end up being?
How we gonna end up feeling?
What you gonna spend your free life on ?
What you gonna spend your free life on? That question rings in my ears and pierces my heart. Firstly do I live free? and if so, What do I spend this free life on? Empty dreams, vain pursuits, right living, self preservation, self protection, doing good, being better?
As I'm writing, trying to think of a way to wrap this up, another song comes to mind...Yahweh by U2:
Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing
Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn
Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don't make a fist no
Take this mouth
So quick to criticise
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss
Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn
Still waiting for the dawn,
the sun is coming up
The sun is coming up on the ocean
His love is like a drop in the ocean
His love is like a drop in the ocean
Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, tell me now
Why the dark before the dawn?
Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break
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