People often ask me about the name of my blog... click here to read the story.

Friday, July 30, 2010


"Ye are not your own." Paul sold himself to Jesus Christ. He says - I am a debtor to everyone on the face of the earth because of the Gospel of Jesus; I am free to be an absolute slave only. That is the characteristic of the life when once this point of spiritual honour is realized. Quit praying about yourself and be spent for others as the bondslave of Jesus. That is the meaning of being made broken bread and poured out wine in reality. ~Oswald Chambers

Sitting at the computer this morning, tears streaming down my face, I'm struck once again with two facts about myself: 1) I am, at the core, self-centered, selfish and all about me and 2) I am, at the core, not my own.
When I found Christ -or more aptly- He found me, I was captured. I became a prisoner of His love, grace, mercy and forgiveness. A prisoner by choice. Drawn in by His love and grace, I surrendered my rights to self to not just emulate, but actually take on Christ's nature.
But, oh how I fight against it. Day after day sometimes moment after moment I have to fight to forget about my own rights and look out for others. Even perusing other blogs, sites and facebook, it's a constant battle against envy, jealousy, judgment, harshness... My self screams out for me me me and more me and what about me. But my soul yearns for Him Him Him and please, mercifully, more Him.
Why does it continue, after all these years to be so hard? Wouldn't obedience, trust, faith and following Him come more naturally after a while? I suppose for some it does. But for this strong willed daughter, nothing about surrender is easy.
Thank God, again, that it doesn't depend on me--but on Him.
Thank God He's got a hold of me because I'd never be able to hold tight enough to Him.

Captured by tobyMac
All I wanna do

I’m Your prisoner by choice
I will rest at Your feet
And I’ll only lift my voice
When You want me to sing
It’s the beauty of Your covering that’s stealing my heart
And it’s the mystery of You that tears me apart

If I should die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take
And if I should get a peaceful sleep
I wanna wake at my Father’s feet

All I wanna do is get into You
You got me captured
By Your love
All I wanna do is stay here with You
You got me raptured
Can’t get enough

The sun’s on the rise
The sleep’s in my eyes
The dew’s on the ground
The night is disguised
There’s hope in the air
I’m fresh off a prayer
The blue mountain bean is clearin’ my stare
I make recompense
It’s all makin’ sense
Like blood in my veins
You’re my sustenance
A moment of trust
The “me” becomes “us”
The “we” become “one”
Your gift is my gust of wind
‘Til we meet again

So faith, don’t fail me now
If you touch my heart
You can feel it pound
So faith, don’t fail me now

You got me, and You won’t let go

Friday, July 23, 2010

Mercy's Door

"A beggar poor at Mercy's door, lies such a wretch as I;
Thou knowest my need is great indeed, Lord, hear me when I cry."
~John Newton

Throughout my life of faith, grace (or rather Grace) has meant everything to me. The knowledge, belief and experience that
Grace is real has been a bedrock for me. Grace: being given something I didn't ask for and don't deserve that's more than I could imagine. I've been given saving Grace, sustaining Grace, guiding Grace, forgiving Grace. It's all a gift.

Lately, another reality of God ignites my soul: Mercy.
Grace is all about, unconditional, pure, saving love.
Mercy has a quality that's different. Mercy suggests being spared from something. There's an element of judgement in Mercy that makes it even more wonderful. I deserve A but am shown Mercy and get B instead. Beautiful.

The words above by John Newton, who also composed "Amazing Grace", grip my heart each time I hear them.
I show up, beggar poor...nothing to offer, nothing to Mercy's door. He opens the door and instead of sending me away empty handed or throwing me some scraps then slamming the door in my face, He invites me in. Essentially, because of sin, we're all strangers to Him. And yet,
even as a stranger, because of His Mercy, He opens the doors wide open. He asks me to live this place of Mercy.
But here's the thing, if I leave Mercy's door, I leave beggar poor once again. I can't go there, fill up and expect to distribute the wealth I've been given as if I were Father Christmas. No, I come a beggar, and if I leave, I leave a beggar. So often, we, as Christians talk about being "filled" in such a superficial way. It's as if you can tank up on God like you would gas and run for a while until you're empty then go back for more filling. He's not a cosmic gas station. I come to God with nothing and I leave Him with nothing.
The only way I can share His gifts...the only way to be "filled" is by staying at His Mercy Door and truly becoming a
channel or instrument of His grace, love, forgiveness and mercy...not a distributor of it.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command." ~the apostle John