Storytellers

In no place emotionally to make small talk, I remember sitting in silence.
She didn't seem to care.
Every once in a while she asked me a question and smiled kindly at my brief, barely alive response. As we approached the end of the meal she started telling me her story. My mind racing but my face stolid, I listened.
I heard as she shared her story of addiction, depression, broken relationships and God's healing power experienced in her life.
The memory of her gentle voice but strong words comes back to me as I think about my own story.
At the request of a very worried mutual friend, she came, vulnerable and ready to risk for the sake of helping a struggling soul.
She didn't know me. Yet she spoke with transparency, honesty, authenticity and tenderness. She didn't ask for a response from me or expect anything from me.
And I didn't offer.
Out of a deep love for God, she reached out in obedience expecting nothing. And nothing was what she got. Well, from me at least.
What she didn't know or couldn't anticipate was the profound impact that hour long lunch around a mutual friends table had on me. I sought help and I stopped beating myself up mentally. Those were some of the deepest darkest days of my life, and she brought a glimmer of light into my dark tunnel to show me where to walk next.
She's a customer of mine now. She comes into my shop and we periodically have the opportunity to share joys, sorrows and prayer requests. But I don't think I've ever actually thanked her.
So, dear friend, thank you for being real. Thank you for being vulnerable. Thank you for being honest. Thank you for sharing your life with me when I had nothing to offer in return. God used you. You were His words to me that day.
Is there someone who needs to hear your story? Who needs to see a real person? Risk it--offer without expecting.

Loved

"I am somebody cause God don't make no junk" ~Ethel Waters


The way he said it made me smile (well, smirk). Telling a story about high school he made sure to include the term "varsity" before the word basketball. Whether or not he played varsity ball in high school had zero bearing on the story he was telling. So why include it? I've done it a million times: feeling insecure for one reason or another, I name drop or include useless facts that somehow might impress someone. It's ridiculous. A group a adults turn into insecure 17 year olds trying to be accepted or noticed or one up someone else.
When we first moved here, to Iowa, I was 24. New baby, first time as a stay at home mom, only four years of marriage under my belt, I struggled with my identity. I tried to fit in to my little community but every time I opened my mouth about anything from politics to religion, music to decorating, faith to movies, I received either blank or incredulous stares. That's how I perceived them, anyway.


Then, as more babies came and I continued to struggle with everything in life, the realization dawned that I was depressed.


I read my Bible fervently, endlessly.


I prayed, begging God for relief and healing.


I sought counselling.


I learned coping skills.


I trained my thoughts so I was telling myself Truth.


I took meds.


All of it helped. A little.


After years of struggling with the ups and downs of both major and chronic depression,there's countless times I feel like God made a mistake. I was a mistake. He didn't want me this way. I didn't want to be this way. But try as I might, I couldn't/can't change it.

"I" couldn't...can't change it.
I can do what I'm called to do and responsible to do (basically the above "list") but only God can bring healing or change.
Only God.
And although He's granted times of reprieve, there's not been healing to this point.


He's also began to teach me that things I've seen as a result of depression, or things I hate about myself are simply part of who I am. They're not always good or bad, they just are. They're part of the personality He gave me.
We walk around (especially as Christians) and make value judgements about things that we have no business judging. Happy people=good people. Sad people=bad people. Happy, positive=faithful. Sad, melancholy=faithless. The thought process goes something like: If you're trusting God (reeeally trusting God) then you'll be happy (joy filled, positive, and probably quoting lots of scripture). If you're doubting, sad or depressed then you must not be trusting enough.
Yes, I've over simplified it, but there it is.


So what do you do? When you think God's made a mistake with you--at the core? What do you do? Keep trying to change it? Give up and give in? Accept it?


God doesn't make mistakes. I'm sure of that.


He also wants to keep stretching and growing us for His purposes. I'm also sure of that.


But beyond those two things, the only thing I'm sure of is Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so.

February

It's a pattern that's repeated itself so many times in my heart and mind that I don't know when it started and can't imagine it will ever end. Beginning with disappointment leading to feelings of failure giving rise to thoughts of despair, this downward spiral starts small. But like a vortex of a tornado, it picks up speed as is draws in everything in its path. I've gotten better at recognizing it and doing everything in my power to stop it; exerting all my effort and will so it(the monster of depression) doesn't effect those closest to me. But the twister, at times an F5 but most days much smaller, keeps weaving its destructive path wreaking havoc in my heart and mind.
It's exhausting. Some days, fighting it takes so much energy. I long to give in, but I know that's not the answer and only compounds the problem.
But persevering can be so hard. Every where I look, every where I turn, every thing I read or hear is a potential threat to the contentment and hope of a moment.
That's what it is...a moment by moment battle.
In Bible study last night I mustered my strength and courage, and in between the laughs and catching up (we haven't met for 8 weeks), I shared- through tears- once again (they've heard it oh, so many times), my on going struggle to live each day and sometimes each moment, without giving up.

Just last week I was thinking that I felt pretty good...maybe it (February--it's always the worst) would be fine this year despite the gray sky's and mounds of snow (which, incidentally, will probably still be visible in May--and I'm not exaggerating or being dramatic for those of you who live further south).
But alas "...February rolls around and I roll my eyes..."

In Like A Lion (Always Winter) (track #12 on the player)
Relient K

It's always nice to look out the window
And see those very first few flakes of snow
And later on we can go outside
And create the impression of an angel that just fell from the sky

When February rolls around I'll roll my eyes
Turn a cold shoulder to these even colder skies
And by the fire my heart it heaves a sigh
For the green grass waiting on the other side

It's always winter but never Christmas
It seems this curse just can't be lifted
Yet in the midst of all this ice and snow
Our hearts stay warm cause they are filled with hope

It'd be so nice to look out the window
And see the leaves on the trees begin to show
The birds would congregate and sing
A song of birth a song of newer things

The wind would calm and the sun would shine
I'd go outside and I'd squint my eyes
But for now I will simply just withdraw
Sit here and wish for this world to thaw

And everything it changed overnight
This dying world you brought it back to life
And deep inside I felt things
Shifting everything was melting
Away oh away
And you gave us the most beautiful of days

Cause when it's always winter but never Christmas
Sometimes it feels like you're not with us
But deep inside our hearts we know
That you are here and we will not lose hope

You know, I talk about my own struggles, I don't know what yours are. Perhaps you've never experienced a despairing thought in your life-thank God. But I know that I know that I know there are individuals reading this who are hurting & struggling today with a myriad of issues. I guess I'm here to remind you that you're not alone. There is Hope.

"...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Heb 12: 1-3

this life...

***please, dear reader, please, know that I'm ok...deep in my heart, I'm ok. I feel like I'm called to be really honest, in this very public blog, even though I may be misunderstood. My husband read it and said "Do you have a point?" The truthful answer is, not necessarily. I know what my words are to me, I have no idea what they'll be to you. That being said, read on.***


i'm so tired.
there are days, today being one of them, i'm exhausted with this life.
i see grey in front of me and grey behind me and grey encompassing me.
where's the color in this life?
this past weekend while watching a pbs show, this emotional life, i found out that part of the brain of a person who suffers from depression is smaller than most people's.
ohhhh, so that's why i struggle with depression, why this life is grey.
i have a little brain.
great, that's very helpful.
what next.
i can't make my hippocampus bigger.
so this is it.
this is life...
abundant? actually it is...
joyful? in my deep heart i am...
faith filled? i'm still here, believing...
good? yeah, despite the grey, life is good.
it doesn't look the way i expected, this life.
i don't feel like i think i should or how i always want to feel in this life.
but GOD is here in this life.
he doesn't look the way i think he should look.
he doesn't act in ways i understand.
GOD is here in this life.
i know he is, because i still am. here. breathing. living.
GOD.
mysterious. silent at times. confusing.
but GOD is here in this life.
are you doubting him in this life?
wondering if he's real?
i consider the fact that i'm alive...functioning...hopefully adding to society in a positive way... as proof that there is a GOD in this life.
and although i don't often understand much about him, he does care.

Fog

I've had a hard time posting lately.

Not because of technical difficulties.

Not because of lack of material. No, I've written volumes.

But the volumes are filled with my lastest bout with depression which is frankly, well, depressing and doesn't make for great reading.

For 23 years I've dealt with the ups and downs of clinical depression. I'm at a point now, of understanding that I've done everything I can do to bring relief and healing. Medication, counseling, prayer, scripture, supportive community...I've experienced it all and thank God for all of it.

There have been measures of healing and times of living symptom free, again, thank God.

But no matter how much I beg God, He, so far, has not completely removed the burden. I don't know why and ultimately it doesn't matter.

The point is, it's something He wants me to live with and continue experiencing.

Only He can bring complete relief and in my case, He doesn't. He's taught me lessons, used my experiences to help others, given me tools to handle it, but He hasn't brought complete healing.

I know many of you reading this can't possibly understand and are filled with questions, judgments, and possible remedies.

I also know that some of you reading this struggle too, perhaps silently.

Others have people in their lives that they can see deal with depression and are at a loss to help.
I'm not writing this for any ones sympathy, pity or advice.

I offer my story as a testament to God's power (for keeping me alive & functioning) and His faithfulness (for in reality, never leaving me even when it feels like it) and His sovereignty (He will bring healing when it suits His purpose).
It's also offered, hoping that it causes those of you prone to judge others struggling, to reserve judgement, those of you prone to depression to tell someone, and those dealing with it in someone elses life to pursue that person so they don't feel so alone.

Clear Blue

Sunrise by Brandon Heath
You wanna sound off you can't find the words to
Nothin' makes sense in the way that it used to
Can't find the plus in the positive thinking
The well's run dry and you're not done drinking

Clouds start comin' and the sky will fall
Clock stares back from the bedroom wall
Now you're breathin' just to make it through the night

All you need is a sunrise
Just a moment of dawn
If you're lost in the twilight
Close your eyes and move on
When you're tired in the waiting
Even though it's gonna take you
A little more time
Just a little more time the sun's gonna find you

Holding your days like a stack of paper
Then you're chasing the wind as the pages scatter
You can save a few but you can't get 'em all back
So get out fast with your heart in tact

Find yourself on the very edge
Lying awake in an empty bed
Now you're breathin' just to make it through the night

All you need is a sunrise
Just a moment of dawn
If you're lost in the twilight
Close your eyes and move on
When you're tired in the waiting
Even though it's gonna take you
A little more time
Just a little more time the sun's gonna find you

Looking out on a clear blue Iowa sky without a cloud in sight, I'm reminded once again that there's always hope for a sunrise...always hope.

"Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you...The sun will no more be your light by day, nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you, for the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory. Your sun will never set again, and your moon will wane no more; the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your days of sorrow will end." Isaiah 60: 1, 19-20

I don't know your past hurts, present sorrows, or future fears...but I do know there is always hope...He who is calling you is faithful...

Shipwrecked

On FB (face book) I have access to both my son's & daughter's sites (that's part of why I have fb). When I checked my MB's last week I noticed she'd changed something....she'd put her "life verse" right under her name.
When each of the kids were born, Brad & I picked out a life verse for them; I also prayed (and have continued to pray) that God would "write His name on their heart"...or become real to each of them personally. The life verse isn't something we've made a huge deal about, but obviously it's impacting MB.
I wasn't given a life verse when I was born...my parents were not Christians yet. But in the last ten years, God's given me many life verses...words that make an impact on my heart and leave an indelible impression.
One night, in the midst of my darkest depression, when I didn't think I'd make it until morning, God gave Brad the insight, wisdom, and strength to step in and intervene on my behalf. Psalm 40 became very real to me: "He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." Brad was God's physical presence to me, taking my hand and lifting me. That wasn't the end of the struggle, but it was yet another evidence of God's faithfulness to me.
I've thought alot lately about this verse...and the firm place to stand. I have no doubt that I'm on a solid rock; The Solid Rock~ Jesus.
I guess, growing up, I pictured true, solid faith, or someone standing on the rock, kinda like a cartoon: confident Super Faith Girl, with hands on hips, chin up, cape & hair blowing in the breeze, boldly going wherever God wanted her next.
But, as I wrote in a collective journal that a few close friends and I have, the truth of my faith is more like someone shipwrecked on the rock. Pulled from the dangerous seas, I lay, sprawled out, desperately hanging on while the wind & waves threaten and even the rock seems slippery. Most days it feels too risky to actually stand...I more like cling for dear life, afraid at any moment of being swallowed by the sea. I don't feel like a confident Super Faith Girl with my cape flapping in the wind.
The reality of life is that people die--children & loved ones, churches needlessly split, people screw up and sin, they get divorces, they intentionally and unintentionally hurt others, parents abandon their children, mental illness & depression are real...and we all end up shipwrecked. And even after we're rescued, all of the above still exists...it doesn't go away.
As this movie (of me on the rock) was playing in my head and I was praying and telling God all this, He, for a brief moment, pulled back the camera for a wide angle shot. The shipwrecked girl clinging for dear life on a little outcropping of rock wasn't what I thought. I could see that I wasn't clinging to a tiny piece of rock, but firmly planted on a huge bed rock foundation.
I realized that, as I wrote in my last blog, God's got me. I don't have to be Super Faith Girl...I just have to be me. With all my doubts, insecurities, short comings, questions, failures and yes, with depression, He's got me. Through the crap, He's got me.
Continuing to live life in faith, not giving up, not giving in, is standing on the Rock even when it seems like there's no standing involved.

Some of you reading this have never struggled with depression, or your faith. Praise God! That's wonderful for you.

Others of you are more like me. Faith is a challenge. Following & trusting God involves labor.

Some of you maybe think I'm crazy, talking to God and all...you're not sure what you believe or if you believe anything.

If you're part of the first group, praise God and please realize that every one's faith story is different.


If you're part of the second group...well, I don't know what to say because it's a daily battle and although I know I'm safe on the rock, I often don't feel it.


And if you feel like you're shipwrecked and clinging to a plank ready to drown and there's no rocks in sight, please contact me.*




*mailto:*p.horstman@hotmail.com

Raise Your Ebenezer

I've always love the hymn "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing". Tears come to my eyes every time I sing the phrase "prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love". But right now a different stanza strikes me: "Here I raise my Ebenezer; hither by thy help I come". I've never understood that line, and even though someone told me once upon a time what an ebenezer was, it didn't mean much. But it does now. In 1 Sam 7:9-14, Samuel is sacrificing offerings to the Lord on behalf of Israel. While they're gathered, the Philistines come, ready to attack. God, in a way only God can, throws the Philistines into confusion and the Israelites end up chasing them down and defeating them. They return, and in gratitude and hope place a stone on the battle field that Samuel calls "Ebenezer" meaning the Lord has helped us.

I was explaining to a friend this week how God's been working in my heart; delivering me from some crap and gently leading me to repentance & rest. I told her I felt like God had lightened my heart. Not just changed my mood or circumstances or took away a burden, but actually lightened my heart (which, for those of you who know me and know my struggles with depression, a light heart is a huge deal). The next day, she sent me this quote by Kathleen Norris from a chapter entitled "My Ebenezer":

There is a powerful moment in any religious conversion, in which a person realizes that all of the mentors, and all that they have said, all of the time spent in reading scripture, or engaged in what felt like stupid, boring, or plain hopeless prayer, has been of help after all. It is nothing you have done, but all of it is one event, God's being there, and being of help. The enemies you were facing, whatever obstacles seemed amassed against you, even your own confusion, have simply vanished. And you are certain that it is God who has brought you to this moment, which may even feel like victory.

For this ever searching, sometimes too intense individual, a light heart, given by Him, is victory indeed!

So, on this day of Thanksgiving, I pray you'll reflect on the myriad of ways He's been your help and deliverer and raise your own Ebenezer to the Only One worthy.

Flirting with Eternity

I wrote this post in January of 2006 ...it's where the name for the site comes from...

We haven't seen the sun for more than a few minutes at a time since before Christmas. It's been overcast & cloudy & depressing.

But this morning I walked out to a magical, quiet, winter world. Because of a dense fog, the trees were white with frost. It was stunningly beautiful. I just stood there, trying to soak in the moment-knowing it would quickly leave as the fog lifted and the frost melted.

It got me thinking about fog.

It struck me that without the fog, the beauty I experienced would not be possible. I've often compared depression to fog. But even if you're not "depressed" in a clinical sense, we all go through times when life closes in around us and there's no direct sun-- only diffused light. And maybe, just maybe there are moments in our fog when we see a beauty that's only available during the fog and when it lifts, that particular beauty fades also.

I've also been thinking alot about flirting (and I do believe these two random thoughts relate-so stay with me).

We usually think of flirting with the opposite sex, but you can flirt with disaster and danger and just about anything else. My friend's little boy flirts with everyone he meets. He's 10 months old and charms & disarms people with his big, toothless grin--inviting smiles wherever he goes.

To invite someone or something in-I think that's flirting.

So when I walked out this morning, and saw the beauty, it felt like flirting. Something beautiful and beyond me that I could enjoy but not hold was inviting me. I felt something stir in my heart. A longing combined with a glimpse that I could not grasp.

Eternity.

Flirting with Eternity in the fog.


Can't Take It In by Imogen Heap
Can't close my eyes
They're wide awake
Ev'ry hair on my body has got a thing for this place
Oh empty my heart
I've got to make room for this feeling
so much bigger than me
It couldn't be any more beautiful
- I can't take it in.
Weightless in love...unraveling
For all that's to come and all that's ever been
We're back to the board with every shade under the sun
Let's make it a good one
It couldn't be any more beautiful
- I can't take it in.