February

It's a pattern that's repeated itself so many times in my heart and mind that I don't know when it started and can't imagine it will ever end. Beginning with disappointment leading to feelings of failure giving rise to thoughts of despair, this downward spiral starts small. But like a vortex of a tornado, it picks up speed as is draws in everything in its path. I've gotten better at recognizing it and doing everything in my power to stop it; exerting all my effort and will so it(the monster of depression) doesn't effect those closest to me. But the twister, at times an F5 but most days much smaller, keeps weaving its destructive path wreaking havoc in my heart and mind.
It's exhausting. Some days, fighting it takes so much energy. I long to give in, but I know that's not the answer and only compounds the problem.
But persevering can be so hard. Every where I look, every where I turn, every thing I read or hear is a potential threat to the contentment and hope of a moment.
That's what it is...a moment by moment battle.
In Bible study last night I mustered my strength and courage, and in between the laughs and catching up (we haven't met for 8 weeks), I shared- through tears- once again (they've heard it oh, so many times), my on going struggle to live each day and sometimes each moment, without giving up.

Just last week I was thinking that I felt pretty good...maybe it (February--it's always the worst) would be fine this year despite the gray sky's and mounds of snow (which, incidentally, will probably still be visible in May--and I'm not exaggerating or being dramatic for those of you who live further south).
But alas "...February rolls around and I roll my eyes..."

In Like A Lion (Always Winter) (track #12 on the player)
Relient K

It's always nice to look out the window
And see those very first few flakes of snow
And later on we can go outside
And create the impression of an angel that just fell from the sky

When February rolls around I'll roll my eyes
Turn a cold shoulder to these even colder skies
And by the fire my heart it heaves a sigh
For the green grass waiting on the other side

It's always winter but never Christmas
It seems this curse just can't be lifted
Yet in the midst of all this ice and snow
Our hearts stay warm cause they are filled with hope

It'd be so nice to look out the window
And see the leaves on the trees begin to show
The birds would congregate and sing
A song of birth a song of newer things

The wind would calm and the sun would shine
I'd go outside and I'd squint my eyes
But for now I will simply just withdraw
Sit here and wish for this world to thaw

And everything it changed overnight
This dying world you brought it back to life
And deep inside I felt things
Shifting everything was melting
Away oh away
And you gave us the most beautiful of days

Cause when it's always winter but never Christmas
Sometimes it feels like you're not with us
But deep inside our hearts we know
That you are here and we will not lose hope

You know, I talk about my own struggles, I don't know what yours are. Perhaps you've never experienced a despairing thought in your life-thank God. But I know that I know that I know there are individuals reading this who are hurting & struggling today with a myriad of issues. I guess I'm here to remind you that you're not alone. There is Hope.

"...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Heb 12: 1-3