The Long and Winding Road

You can see for miles. Roads stretch out before you with very little to obstruct the view. Over the open prairie, the sky's big and the earth gently heaves and sighs. It's beautiful and I've grown to love it.

On our way to Gavin's Point Dam over the July 4th weekend, we drove over hills and through dales that actually twist and turn so you can't always see where the road leads. I found myself looking down the byways and wondering what was around the bend. One little road, for some reason, seemed magical. It looked lovely and mysterious and like it could only hold treasures.

In my younger years, I'm quite sure I saw my future through those same curious, hopeful eyes; anticipating the best kind of magic. But at some point in my life, I'm not even sure when or how it happened, my view changed. What lay beyond the bend became something I feared. Instead of hopefully trusting that life (or more aptly the Giver of Life) would be full of ups and downs and twists and turns that eventually always lead to someplace lovely, I started believing that danger lurked in the unknown places.

Maybe it's because not knowing what's next makes life not only unpredictable but messy. When Brad's feeling out of control over something in his life, he quotes Steve Martin from Parenthood: "I don't like messy." I don't know if any of us like messy, but at some point we all have to accept that it's part of life and we can either 1) live with it begrudgingly, 2) keep trying to manage and contrive and control and drive everyone-including ourselves- crazy or C) Look beyond the mess and enjoy the journey despite the uncertainty.

More than you could ask.

A concert of monumental* proportions takes place in less than 24 hours. For me, it's the concert of a lifetime. And I realized today that I've hardly talked about it and only mentioned it in passing on facebook and in this blog. I think it seems so unbelievable to me that I actually get to go that I haven't wanted to share it for fear of it not happening. I also really didn't want to see and hear people's reactions or have to explain who they are or what their music means to me.
But as I sat on my deck I realized I've been afraid to be excited, afraid to enjoy it, afraid to anticipate. Little by little satan's been eroding my joy of something that's not only a gift from my husband and friend, but a gift from God.


As I sat mulling it over, God brought this verse to mind: Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Immeasurably more than I could ask...


Yep, it's gonna be good.




*well, monumental to me ;)

Perpetual Adolescent

Well...I....it's not-uhh bad...well...uhh... not the uhh ...north umm...roads...umm...well....
My brain was screaming Shut up! Stop Talking! What's wrong with you???!!!

It took a while to recover. To make myself feel better in the wake of my social suicide, I was self talking like Stuart Smalley in the SNL sketch's: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!"
Why did I stumble and fumble over my words and act all goofy? It was a question about the weather for cryin' out loud!

No, it wasn't the question that left me verbally tripping and looking like a schmuck. It was the day and the situation...I blame it on my perpetual adolescence.

After a ball game, a group of parents stood in the hall. I was decidedly the outsider but I was with one of the "cool kids" so the others felt it might be safe to talk to me. Who knew that a simple query about the wind on the roads would unleash my inner awkward adolescent self.

But it didn't start at the game. The whole day was characterized by a massive identity crisis which in turn led to insecurity. If I wasn't inarticulate about the weather I was second guessing my words to a friend or feeling like a poser talking to the savvy woman about her upcoming Italian adventure or rethinking my vocation or obsessing about the alarming number of gray hairs adorning my head. Overloaded, I felt like my brain was on the verge of exploding--or imploding. Either way, it would have been nasty.

Calm, cool, collected on the outside no one would guess I heard "fail" in my ear every time I said something or wrote something or spoke to anyone.

I'm beyond being someone I'm not. I can't help but be me. But what about when me falls flat on me's face? I'd love to don an alter ego and escape from me once in a while. But alas, I've tried and it doesn't work. So I'm left with me. And most days it's ok. In fact I've learned that I like me. I've learned that as I grow and change and struggle and trust that God doesn't make mistakes, I see glimpses of the me He intends. But that fact doesn't make the identity crisis or insecurities any less a reality.

A few weeks ago someone near and dear to my heart wrote "Eat, sleep, work, repeat. Is this what life becomes?" I consider this young man a kindred spirit: pensive, reflective, analytical, searching, spiritual and discontent with good enough.

Eat sleep work repeat...

Is what we do who we are? work, cook, clean, eat, sleep, work

Are we what we feel? happy, sad, angry, jealous

Are we simply the sum of our roles? mother, daughter, wife, friend

Why am I a 44 year old who still feels like a teenager when I lose who I am and become insecure?

We all want to be liked. We all want to be important to somebody. We all want purpose. But you don't have to live long before eat, sleep, work, repeat takes over and you have no idea who you are.
Is this the life God intends? Or do we fall into identity issues and insecurities because of pride--because we don't think we're getting what we deserve from life or work or those near to us? I know that's at least partially true for me. Somehow I'm fooled into thinking I got gypped along the way.

Then I read this quote by Oswald Chambers and a light begins to dawn on the horizon and I see my pride and futility. "The tendency is to look for the marvellous in our experience; we mistakethe sense of the heroic for being heroes. It is one thing to go through a crisis grandly, but another thing to go through every day glorifying God when there is no witness, no limelight, no one paying the remotest attention to us...The test of the life of a saint is not success, but faithfulness in human life as it actually is...Our human relationships are the actual conditions in which the ideal life of God is to be exhibited."

Paul says to the Ephesians "God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."

So, we're His, our identity is His and our purpose is His... awkward adolescent moments and severe insecurities included.

**Photo: yes, that's a young Sarah Jessica Parker in "Square Pegs"**

The Love of God

The following is a portion of my journal entry on October 20, 2009...

"'The love of God is greater far than tongue or pen can ever tell; it goes beyond the highest star, and reaches to the lowest hell...'
Love. Respect. Value. Use. Obedience. Love can include all these things, but doesn't always. I think that's where I get hung up. I know You love me. But value me beyond my obedience or usefulness? I'm not so sure. And even in my obedience & usefulness, I don't necessarily feel any of Your pleasure or delight in me. So I'm left wondering 'What will it take? How can I get Your attention?'...Bring me to a deeper understanding of You--Your love--and self-sacrifice"

Exhausted with comparisons and weary with doubt, I turned to Him.

What does He have to say to me? About me? About you?

I know I'm loved unconditionally; so are you.

I know I don't earn that love; neither do you.

I know I can't lose His love; neither can you.

So, why do I fall so quickly into earning favor with God?

Wanting desperately to be one of His "favorites"...one of the children He speaks to in oh-so personal ways...I do things I think He'll like; that I think He'll notice.

Somehow, I think my only value lies in my usefulness.

Somehow, I think His love is contingent on my obedience or level of self-sacrifice.

I know it's not true.

I know that's not true.

But why do some people seem to have a direct line to God and His love and others flounder on the outskirts?

I don't have an answer.

Faithful, obedient, trusting people flounder; unsure of His love.

I've been searching the Bible, trying to find out more about His love.

Jeremiah 31:3 "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with lovingkindness..."

Lamentations 3: "because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed..."

Zephaniah 3:17 "...He will quiet you with His love..."

I John 3:1 "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God..."

Isaiah 63: 9 "In His love and mercy, He redeemed them..."

John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave is only Son..."

Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

This is a small sampling...I'm still searching...still trying to see these verses in their context...still trying to believe and know that each of His children is His favorite.

I am His favorite...

You are His favorite...

Rainy Days

It's raining today.
The gray clouds hang low in the air and the rain comes in a steady downpour.
Inside my shop, I can watch the rain and hear it beat against the windows.
The puddles are rising, but this isn't the flooding kind of rain. This is the gentle soaking variety.
No storms today, just gray skies and big drops of water.
From a young age, my dad taught me a love and respect for storms. Sitting on our screened in back porch, listening to the thunder and seeing the streaks of lightening flash across the sky are fond memories.
Now, as an adult, I love storms in Iowa. There aren't trees or hills to block out the beauty, so you can watch a storm building and approaching for hours sometimes. My husband and I sit on our front porch and watch the natural fireworks light up the sky and can feel God's power.
His might is so evident to me in the middle of a storm.
He's just so big.
But what about everyday, ordinary rain, like we 're experiencing today? Do I see God's power in it?
There's nothing flashy about today's rain.
Nothing dramatic.
It's just plain old rain.
When storms blow into lives around me, I often see God's power and unmistakable presence.
I see people being held up by the power of prayer; being strengthened by the outpouring of love and concern from a community; being protected and guided by God's providential hand.
But those are the big things.
But what about in the everyday, ordinary rainy days of life? What about the everyday things like constant financial pressure, or the drudgery's of your job, or the ongoing marital discord over nothing or the everyday-ness of dealing with an aging parent or a willful child, or the relentless ache of grief, or the exhaustion of caring for a special needs child, or the everyday challenges of a chronic illness?
Of course He's there: in all His grace, sovereignty, power and faithfulness, He's there.
But the low hanging clouds and the mundane tap tap tap of the rain dampen our senses and obscure our view and somehow this magnificent, awe-inspiring God seems, through the gloom, to be unavailable, unfamiliar, unapproachable and unloving.
If you've done any sort of consistent Bible reading and study, you'll be familiar with Lamentations 3:22-23:
Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassion's never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
But have you read what comes before those verses? Jeremiah, the author of Lamentations, is listing all the ways God, the same God in verses 22 & 23, has left him, abandoned him, afflicted him, scorned him and made him a laughing stock.
It puts these verses in a different light doesn't it? They become much more than nice words to hang on your wall or sing about or throw around lightly. They become the lifeblood of living each day only by His grace.
Just something to think about today.

Doubt

Realizing I needed a Savior at the tender age of 7, I began my now lifelong journey of faith. 35 years later, my faith doesn't look like I ever thought it would or could. Other people's faith's don't look like I thought. Our personal faith's come in all different sizes, shapes & colors. Some people get to live in (as a friend called it) the pretty little thatched roof bungalow of faith...like a Thomas Kincaid painting...inviting, full of light, and cozy. Deep doubts over the Truth are almost non-existant. Their faith is still very real and deep and beautiful, but it's not hard for them to believe. Other people's faith is like an endless desert or wilderness...stark but still full of life; also full of depth and beauty yet often a struggle for survival. Other people live somewhere in between. I've spent a lot of my life thinking that eventually everyone who professed Christ should end up in the bungalow. I don't believe that anymore.

I don't know about you, but I often doubt my faith. I doubt the validity of the claims of Christ, I doubt that the Bible is really the Word of God. I doubt there's a God. I doubt just about everything related to this "faith" we call Christianity. Why do I doubt? Partly because it's who I am to question. Partly because I confuse religion for faith. And partly because the claims of Christianity seem ludicris...I mean One God becoming man to save us?? A being beyond us, controlling the universe? C'mon.
But amid all the doubts, I still believe. Why do I still believe? Is it habit? Superstition? Fear? Lack of reflection? Lack of reason? Laziness? Because Christianity "works"? Because I see evidence of God in nature, humanity, the universe, even myself?
The simple, truthful answer is, I don't have a choice but to believe.
There have been times in my life when I wanted to stop believing; wanted to embrace secular humanism, existentialism or rationalism.
Those times have indeed led me to searching the Bible and asking other's what and why they believe.
But ultimately, it's not reading the Bible more, or praying more, or seeing God in people around me, or remembering His faithfulness that keeps me believing.
It's this abstract, absolutely uncontainable, indescribable, very real Thing that goes beyond my reason and beyond my feeling and beyond the definable that keeps holding on to me.
So even when I try to let go, I can't. It's got me. I cannot not believe.
Even with my doubts and inability to live in the tidy little bungalow, I still believe.
I know that by merely expressing my thoughts, doubts and questions, many of you may doubt me and be very uncomfortable with this entry. But my hope is, that others who aren't sure will continue searching and may be taken captive by this utterly unbelievable God.


Creed by Rich Mullins track #13 on player
I believe in God the Father almighty Maker of Heaven and Maker of Earth
And in Jesus Christ His only begotten Son, our Lord
He was conceived by the Holy Spirit
Born of the virgin Mary
Suffered under Pontius Pilate
He was crucified and dead and buried
And I believe what I believe
It's what makes me what I am
I did not make it, no it is making me
It is the very truth of God and not
The invention of any man
I believe that He who suffered
Was crucified, buried, and dead
He descended into hell and
On the third day, rose again
He ascended into Heaven where
He sits at God's mighty right hand
I believe that He's returning to
Judge the quick and the dead
Of the sons of men
I believe it, I believe it I believe it I believe it, I believe it
I believe in God the Father almighty
Maker of Heaven and Maker of Earth
And in Jesus Christ His only begotten Son,
Our Lord I believe in the Holy Spirit
One Holy Church, the communion of Saints
The forgiveness of sin
I believe in the resurrection
I believe in a life that never ends
And I believe what I believe
It's what makes me what I am
I did not make it, no it is making me
It is the very truth of God and not
The invention of any man

Eagle Eye

We watched the movie "Eagle Eye" last week. A sci-fi, techno thriller, it's basically about a rogue computer that has access to literally everything and everyone--intimate details of everyones personal lives.
You only know what I tell you about me. Anyone in my life only sees or knows what I share. They may make observations about body language or tone of voice and infer things about what I'm thinking or feeling...but no one knows anything for sure about me (or you) unless we share it.
Accept, of course, God.
He knows it all. The good, the bad, and the really really ugly. Whether I bring my anger, pain, hurt, judgmental attitude, or jealous spirit to Him or not, he knows it.
I heard Sheila Walsh speak several years ago and she said something that stuck with me: "God has seen the whole movie of my life and he loves me anyway."
He, the real Eagle Eye, sees it all and loves me anyway.
So yesterday, as I sat watching the rain and playing a spiritual game of "He loves me, He loves me not" in my head (based, mind you, on my own perceptions), plucking imaginary petals off a fictitious daisy, He reminded me of His Eagle Eye.
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

Raise Your Ebenezer

I've always love the hymn "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing". Tears come to my eyes every time I sing the phrase "prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love". But right now a different stanza strikes me: "Here I raise my Ebenezer; hither by thy help I come". I've never understood that line, and even though someone told me once upon a time what an ebenezer was, it didn't mean much. But it does now. In 1 Sam 7:9-14, Samuel is sacrificing offerings to the Lord on behalf of Israel. While they're gathered, the Philistines come, ready to attack. God, in a way only God can, throws the Philistines into confusion and the Israelites end up chasing them down and defeating them. They return, and in gratitude and hope place a stone on the battle field that Samuel calls "Ebenezer" meaning the Lord has helped us.

I was explaining to a friend this week how God's been working in my heart; delivering me from some crap and gently leading me to repentance & rest. I told her I felt like God had lightened my heart. Not just changed my mood or circumstances or took away a burden, but actually lightened my heart (which, for those of you who know me and know my struggles with depression, a light heart is a huge deal). The next day, she sent me this quote by Kathleen Norris from a chapter entitled "My Ebenezer":

There is a powerful moment in any religious conversion, in which a person realizes that all of the mentors, and all that they have said, all of the time spent in reading scripture, or engaged in what felt like stupid, boring, or plain hopeless prayer, has been of help after all. It is nothing you have done, but all of it is one event, God's being there, and being of help. The enemies you were facing, whatever obstacles seemed amassed against you, even your own confusion, have simply vanished. And you are certain that it is God who has brought you to this moment, which may even feel like victory.

For this ever searching, sometimes too intense individual, a light heart, given by Him, is victory indeed!

So, on this day of Thanksgiving, I pray you'll reflect on the myriad of ways He's been your help and deliverer and raise your own Ebenezer to the Only One worthy.

Withholding

"Your kindness, Lord, leads us to repentance..." Chris Tomlin (based on Romans 2:4)

I got a letter from the IRS yesterday. It struck fear in my heart. Was it an audit? Did I forget to file something? What did I screw up? With trepidation, I opened it; it was just my 1096 forms. Whew.

I don't know why I was scared; there's nothing to hide. But I know I'm bad at tax stuff. I never know what numbers to write where and anytime I'm asked about withholding, the whole concept has to be explained to me again. Do zero exemptions mean you get more money or less? I never know. After years of doing a lot of my own stuff, I'm still hopelessly lost in the world of numbers & finance.

And after years of knowing & trusting Christ, I seem to also still be hopelessly lost in the spiritual world too. Thank God for His patience and mercy that's new every morning...because I need it every morning.

Over the last few weeks, God's kindness, patience, and mercy has lead me to a place of repentance. Through some wonderful circumstances that were orchestrated by Him, He's convicted me of a withholding problem I have. No, not taxes, but I realized I've been withholding many important things from a lot of people in my life. I've been withholding love, time, money, energy, encouragement, Truth...all because of my own fears, insecurities, and selfishness.


Thank God He intervenes and doesn't let us stay the way we are. Thank God He doesn't withhold any good thing from us! Thank God that His kindness leads us to repentance.