Kindness

I've witnessed father's abandon their children, wives throw out their wedding vows like yesterday's garbage, children of all ages disrespect and dishonor their parents, wayward children wreak havoc in their homes, parents swiftly hurl insults that cut their children off at the knees, leaders in the community live lies-cheat-steal; again and again and again I've seen people hurt one another by their words and actions. Rarely do people who've wounded deeply ever understand the pain they leave in the wake of their choices.
Thank God I've also seen reconciliation and healing: marriages put back together, forgiveness among siblings, and individuals restored. But I'm convinced that none of us truly realizes the impact of our actions on those around us. We don't get how the littlest word can cut deeply and leave a festering wound. It's interesting to me that we think the world revolves around us and yet, at the same time, somehow, think that how we act doesn't have a deep, lasting impact on others. It's an odd little game we play in our minds- putting ourselves in the center of the universe, playing little gods, and all the while not owning the pain we cause or even seeing that we cause it.
If we realized how much we've hurt others could we handle it? Some of us would be crushed under the weight of our sin and would curl up into little balls of guilt and never recover. God is so patient with us...so kind...so gentle. I believe as we seek Him, honestly seek Him, He slowly shows us our sin and the impact of it on others. No one else can do it--can show us our sin--we probably wouldn't believe them or think they over reacting.
But truly, as we realize the kindness and compassion of God-- the amazing gift of forgiveness we have through Him and His Son--we are led to repentance...led to forgiveness...led to wholeness. Not in our time or other people's time, but in His perfect time.

Vacuuming.

I was up early this morning. Groggy, wiping sleep from my eyes, I stumbled down stairs at dawn-- the light barely showing in the east. Why, you ask, was I up before the garbage man?
To go for an early run?
To meditate?
To savor the pristine beauty of the quiet morning?
To get an early start on cleaning my house and being a perfect wife and mother?
Shyah- right.
No. I was up at 5 a.m. to shop. After throwing in a load of laundry, I immediately went on line and started perusing J.Jill for dresses and sandals.
Do I have money for new clothes? No.
Do I need any clothes? Absolutely not. I have a closet bursting full.
So why? Why was this tired, worn out, busy mom up at sunrise to Internet shop?
Yes, I have a wedding to go to. Yes, my sandals are are wearing out.
But really? Miss the beauty and quiet of the morning to stare at a computer screen and shop for things I don't need and can't afford?
What's the point?
As I came to my senses (around 6:03) and realized I was still really tired, I went and laid down on the couch. All I could think about was what I 'd been doing: wasting time, energy, and sleep on a frivolous, meaningless, purposeless activity. As I tried to get comfortable and perhaps fall back to sleep, a quote from Blaise Pascal kept going through my mind: “There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every person, and it can never be filled by any created thing.
It can only be filled by God, made known through Jesus Christ.”
Obsessive eating, shopping, exercising, planning, cleaning, cooking, working, playing all points to, what I believe, is the truth of this quote: namely that we're searching. Vacuums suck up everything in their paths until they are filled. All the gods in the world can't fill the vacuum that's God shaped. No person, passion, experience, religion, learning...nothing can fill it except God himself. So we all keep sucking everything up but are still left with the void. Even those who profess Christ (like myself) fall quickly and easily into looking to everything but God for the source of Life. Why? I think because it's easier to look for meaning in what we know and can understand and is tangible than to work on a relationship with a Being we can only begin to comprehend.
I'm an extremely relational person, and yet, there I times I want to avoid every contact and be a hermit. Why? Because relationships are messy...we get hurt...we have misunderstandings... we set up unrealistic expectations...we look to others to be more than they're meant to be....
So why wouldn't all that "messy" apply to our relationship with God? Because He's perfect? All the more reason on our end for it to be messy and complicated. Our relationship with God is messy because we're messy, imperfect, searching, vacuuming people...and He created us that way. He could have created little perfect mini-me's or automatons. But He didn't. He created us, and all our earthy-ness and set Eternity in our hearts so we'd seek for Him.
May my vacuuming not be in vain today, God.

*Photo by Robert Donsker Photography, "Prairie Sunrise"

Opportunists

Is it true that some opportunities only come once in a lifetime? Or are all opportunities, every event we face, only once in a lifetime? We'll never get each specific moment back. We never see the same sunrise or sunset twice. Sometimes in my ordinary life I think that each day is like all the rest. There's nothing special or significant, just the sameness of living.
And yet, there are moments when we grasp something more. Moments when we're acutely aware that we can only experience them once...or at least that there is something unique about them.
Last night I enjoyed a wonderful (and *free* yay me!) jazz concert out in a park in small town America. Kids were playing on the playground and riding their bikes and skateboards. People were chatting. Families gathered on blankets and enjoyed the free popcorn and lemonade provided by the sponsors of the event. The threatening rain held off until the last song. It was a unique moment. And I soaked it in. Every time I listen to live music or watch a play I know I'm witnessing something that won't be repeated exactly the same way ever again. A unique moment...a unique opportunity.
But isn't all of life like that? We get lost in the everyday-ness: seeing the same people, performing the same tasks, listening to the same music, driving the same roads, buying the same food. Fooled into thinking there's nothing special about an everyday encounter, we go through life half awake.
We lost a dear friend to cancer this week. He wasn't part of our everyday life. In fact we hadn't seen him in a few years. Now he's gone. Rejoicing, no doubt, with a health we can only imagine, but still absent from this earth. There are no more conversations to have, no more birthdays to celebrate, no more meals to share, no more golf games to play. When I heard the news of his passing, I couldn't help but feel bad for all the missed opportunities to interact with him...trips we didn't take, phone calls we didn't make, and times when we could have adjusted our schedules to allow time together, but didn't...regretting each missed opportunity.
I guess this morning I'm struck with the fact that everyday is not ordinary. Each moment is an opportunity to either be enjoyed or missed. There are countless songs about living life to the full so obviously we know there's more, and yet we go through most of our lives in a blur, always looking past this moment to the next thing.
I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, maybe I'll be too tired or jaded to think moments through, but today, I want to be in each moment. I don't want to miss conversations or sunsets or laughter or tears...I don't want to run from life today or worse yet, sit it out. I want to be an opportunist today.

"Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil." Paul to the Ephesians (5:15-16)

Thank you for not running from life, Jim. We love you.

Man of the Hour

"There is still no cure for the common birthday." John Glenn

For me, turning 40 was hard. I don't think it was the number, I think it was all the physical changes that occurred within weeks of the milestone: tiny wrinkles, visible veins where you don't want visible veins, dimmed eyesight, slowing brain etc... But despite all that, I've tried to embrace the 40's and three years later, there's a glimmer of hope that I'm progressing. Maybe by the time I hit 50 I'll have come to terms with 40.

The 40's are a thing of the past for you.

Today, you're turning 50.

And I know it's hard for you.

I don't know what to say to make it easier except to remind you that you are a loved man.

Your children look up to you and crave your words, attention and time from you because they value you so much.

Your siblings (including in-laws) appreciate your humor, talents, and steady character.

Your mom, even with her rapidly declining faculties, still knows when you're near and smiles.

Your parents in law adore you...and have told me again & again how thankful they are that you married their daughter.

Your friends see your wisdom & discernment and seek it out.

Your clients are in awe of your skills and proudly show off their homes naming you as the builder.

And your wife? Your wife is humbled again and again by the incredible gift given to her in all that you are. She wouldn't be the woman she is without your love, patience and encouragement. She thinks you're amazing.

You are loved, Brad.

Loved to the core of your being for all God's made you to be.

"I thank my God every time I think of you." Phillipians 1:3

Poser

"Don't just pretend to love people. Really love them." Paul to the Romans (New Living Translation)

I've always tried to be a face value person: what you see is what you get. Maybe that was the problem yesterday...

Long day at work. 94 degrees. Air conditioning in the van...out of commission. Whole family in the hot van... lots of noise...my younger two bickering incessently. We arrive at my daughter's last soccer game, set up our chairs and proceed to sweat and get blown over by 35 mile an hour sustained winds. Last week it as 55 with a wind chill; this week it's record highs, typical prairie winds and lots of humidity. Welcome to Iowa.

Anyway, sitting at my daughters game, everything was bugging me: the dad on the sidelines "coaching" loudly, the beads of sweat trickling down my back, the wind, the arguing kids, even my husband (who hadn't really done anything)...I was even annoying myself. I was snippy with the kids, snippy with Brad, and not at all pleasant to be around. It dawned on me later (sadly too late), that the lady next to us could have certainly heard and seen my hissy fit behavior and general grouchy demeanor. If someone asked her what she thought of me, I'm afraid the answer would be scary. For that hour, at that game, what she (or anyone else paying attention) saw, was a crabby mom and disrespectful wife. Not much love. Not much joy. Not much of anything good.

I entitled this post "poser" because I've never wanted to be one. Well, guess what, yesterday proved that I'm no poser. But what you saw if you were looking, was what you got and it wasn't a pretty picture. Maybe some posing wouldn't have been all that bad. Or maybe if I would have taken two minutes to think outside myself, my attitude and behavior could have been adjusted. But I'll never know what could have been because I was too wrapped up in me.

Yesterday morning I came across this verse "Don't just pretend to love people. Really love them." from the book of Roman's. I thought of it all day, and yet when I went to the game, really loving people was not in the forefront of my brain. Me, myself and I were in the forefront and the back and all the space inbetween. When I woke up this morning, my behavior and this verse were staring me in the face. As I reflected, another Bible passage came to mind...let me paraphrase it...

Love stays cool even in the heat.

Love speaks kindly even when correcting.

Love doesn't wish for something it can't have-like a new car with a/c.

Love doesn't think it's being cheated just because life isn't always perfect.

Love doesn't demean or degrade or humiliate others.

Love doesn't get angry over trifles.

Love tries to forget others wrongs and see the best in them.

Love isn't happy when others are hurt or suffering or embarassed, but wants to bring relief.

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails, even when I do.

May you and I be true lovers today.

My Town

Driving down the road I noticed the green leaves getting bigger and brighter by the day. Unleashed by the warm weather and gentle rains, the earth is alive with tulips, lilies of the valley, daffodils and flowering crab apples. Laughing, playing some combination of touch (with a little tackle) football, they only stopped long enough to move out of the road for the car. More were riding their bikes with baseball gloves & bats slung over their shoulders. Enjoying life in safety with freedom that few children today are able to experience. Kids on Sunday afternoon in my town.

Yep. My town.
For 18 years now (since April 25, 1992) this sleepy little Iowa village has been my town.
Slow paced...there's only a handful of stops signs and no lights in our town.
Odd habits...like the whistle that blows at 7 a.m., noon, 1 p.m. and 6p.m. every day.
Quirky people...like the man who rides his ancient bike at a poky pace everywhere-winter, spring, summer and fall-...or the neighbor who mows her lawn at least 3 times a week...or the guy who named his illness "Arthur".
We notice when something's different in our village...a change in someones house, a new vehicle, a new resident, visiting family.
We know one anothers habits. Like when we saw our elderly neighbors kids at her home on a Sunday morning when they'd normally be at church, we knew there was something wrong.
We know who runs in the morning and who runs everyday at 6 pm...we know the guy with the dogs.
We know who to call when we need advice with our plumbing or we want to know how to can applesauce or freeze sweet Iowa corn.
Emergency vehicle sirens are a rarity and usually cause for concern. No airplanes flying overhead, just a host of birds. The loudest noise we hear day or night, is the whirr of the dryers at the grain elevator.
I've witnessed this community come together to support people with ill children, people who've suffered loss and experienced tragedy. When it was time for a new library, the community united.
We still have a little parade to honor our veterans. We celebrate Flag day. And we make a big deal out of a new local swimming pool. Churches observe Lent together and share Vacation Bible Schools and youth groups.
Not everything in my town is perfect. I've witnessed abuse in this little town. I've seen marriages fall apart and families decimated. I've been judged in this town for how I live. I've felt like I didn't and would never fit in this small town.

But, then, do any of us fit anywhere?

There are days I'd give anything for a ten minute drive to Target (the nearest one is over an hour) or more choices in restaurants or simply anonymity.
But I'd be giving up so much if I left my little town.

No, my town is worth more than convenience.
And thankfully, after 18 years, I've embraced this quirky little midwest town with all it's oddities, absurdities, joys and see the richness of community that it holds so dear.

Just a little...

Rain beating against the windshield, I drove down the back roads hurrying to my destination. Pouring over the past, consumed with the pressures of the present and turning over the possibilities of the future, my mind raced as I listened to my ipod.

Then the song started playing. I know I've heard it before... many times. But this time it was different. How could I have missed the words? How could I have missed the meaning? Well, maybe not John Hiatt's intended meaning but The Writers meaning. Driving down the lonely road, this time, the song felt like a serenade being sung straight to my heart.

Have a Little Faith written by John Hiatt

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
An' have a little faith in me

An' when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try, baby
An' have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

An' when your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here darlin' from a whisper start
Have a little faith in me

An' when your back's against the wall
Just turn around an' a you will see
I'll be there, I'll be there to catch your fall
So have a little faith in me

Cause I've been loving you for such a long time, baby
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
'Cause for us there is no end
All you gotta do is have a little faith in me

I will hold you up!
I'm gonna hold you up!
So have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me

"We live by faith, not by sight." 2 Cor. 5:7

"Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, 'I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!'" Mark 9:24

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matt 17:20

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17