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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Up to my ankles

"Some people are destined to be deep thinkers. I am not one of these people." ~Jen Lancaster

A few years ago, my sister looked at me and said I'm not deep... I've given up on trying to be or thinking I am.

If you know her, you know she's incredibly well read, intelligent, thoughtful and reflective. In her humility, though, she doesn't share that richness with everyone. I think she's "deep" as opposed to shallow. But I guess that's only measured against my own idea of depth.

The older I get, the more I realize when I naively assumed I was in the deep end of thought I was actually wading in the kiddie pool.

I know I still am. And I'm ok with that. I'm not intelligent enough to have completely original thoughts nor well read enough to grasp what's beyond a backyard pool's worth of ideas nor witty enough to banter with the best.

I'm slowly letting go of trying to impress or measure up to those who are either truly my superiors or those who think they are...slowly embracing my average-ness...slowly learing to enjoy being the happy little stick figure girl splashing in 6 inches of thought.

But sitting around a conference table last week with three Phd's, several Master's holders and a prominent, successful business person was enough to throw me off the deep end. Insecurity and fear gripped my heart and held my tongue captive. And when I did speak (which was near to inaudible) everything that came out of my mouth sounded (at least to my own ears) garbled and incoherent.

I still haven't recovered.

1 comment:

tierney said...

I know this feeling. Praise the Lord that He saves those He loves, not those who do the best (futile) job of "impressing" Him ... and that what He values most in us is a heart, however simple, that finds its greatest delight in knowing Him - something you demonstrate so clearly.

Compared to the depth of eternity (with which you flirt :)), even the deepest of us is still just testing the water with a hesitant toe. When He sees we're ready, He'll take us out to sea ... but in the meantime, I'll be here, too, wading in the shallows. :)