flashes

Flashes of lightening and rumbling thunder break through the silent dark night. Listening to the icy rain hit the window I'm reminded again of my smallness. Our smallness. For all our knowledge and technology we can't, with %100 accuracy, predict, plan or direct the path of a storm.

There's general calm in our home right now. Aside from a nasty flu bug, the sky's are blue. But even here in the mostly sunny spot, gray clouds threaten. They take the form of thoughts; my thoughts. Accusations form a menacing and dark and low hanging wall cloud. Some of the blaming words fall on me: what's wrong with you? why can't you be more thankful? you're not doing enough. you're not enough. And when my brain's ready to explode just to expel the stinging words, they shift from myself to others: you deserve more. what was she thinking treating you that way? they always have to be right. you've been wronged. Pride plays a ridiculous game with our emotions making us the victim and victimizer at the same time.

Then, when I step back and observe my thoughts instead of participate in them, there's another voice. No blame. No accusations. Only Grace offered up freely to this broken woman. And forgiveness breaks through and I'm off the hook and others are off the hook and the calm returns.

Life whispered to this weather beaten soul Be still and Know that I AM God.

**my daughter took this photo on her way to school last year**

Charmed

Big round eyes with long lashes, flashing a toothless grin stretching from ear to ear, our hearts were charmed. Even a stranger's gaze turned upon you and you generously, gratuitously broke into an eye sparkling smile. Happy, beguiling and strong, we dubbed you our Charming Child.

Fifteen.

School, drivers ed, football, basketball, soccer, and friends fill your days. Active, never passive, you're determined, funny, noisy, loving and aware. Soon, so soon, 15 will be a distant memory and you'll be called into adulthood and all it's joys and responsibilities.

So right now, as you stand on the edge of the rest of your life, I pray you embrace who you are: strong, passionate, energetic, hardworking and brave and enjoy all God is giving you in this moment.

I know it's tempting to look back and define yourself by events in your past, both good and bad. But I pray you see them as molding, shaping circumstances-no more and no less- and let God be your definer. He loves you oh, so much. He knows every scrape, broken limb, disease, close call, and heart wound you've suffered. He's also rejoiced with every joy experienced. He's your Healer, Savior, Strength, Comforter, and Counselor and is calling you now, on the cusp on adulthood to an even deeper relationship with Himself.

.We love you and all that you are and we pray and ask God to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but an amazing inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And we ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live a full life, full in the fullness of God.*

Happy 15th birthday, son. Love, Mom & Dad

*adapted from Paul's prayer for the Ephesians in The Message

Bucket List

If I were the kind of person who made lists and had a bucket list* then I'm sure in my top 10 would be to see U2 in person. And as of July 23 2011, I could cross that off my list. :) Yea me yea me yea me.

*you know, from that movie...it's a list of stuff you want to do before you die...it's all about embracing life...carpe diem...

Brand New Clothes

I spent the weekend laughing, talking, eating, shopping, laughing, crying, more talking, more eating, and more laughing with three of my favorite people: my mom and two sisters. We had a lovely time celebrating K's 50th birthday and I'll probably write more on that later. But my search for the perfect ensemble is on my mind right now.

My niece's wedding is coming up and I wanted a new outfit to wear. I don't know about you, but the older I get, the harder it is to pick out clothes. I used to be so confident. Now I'm never sure if something looks right or is too old or too young. So, while I had my sissy's with me, I made them play Clinton & Stacy for me. After a series of try ons and errors, I'm happy to say I did find an outfit and it's not black (a big thing for me since every dressy thing I own has vast amounts of black).

I came home and tried on my new digs for Brad and he loved it. A departure in style yet flattering, comfortable and I think classy, I'm thrilled and can't wait to wear the outfit.

While reminiscing with my sisters this weekend, I thought about how throughout our lives we try things on like outfits. We try on personalities when we're teenagers, we can try on people when we're dating, we try on parenting styles, methods for running a household, careers, and even religions. I'm not saying we should do this, I'm saying most of us do try things on without even knowing it. It's not always bad. It can help us sort out who we really are, where we belong and most importantly, to Whom we belong.

So this morning when I read this verse from Colossians 3 "Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." I couldn't help but think of my shopping trip. It felt more comfortable to me to stick with a basic black sheath dress and then accessorize. But I knew I couldn't do it. I needed color. I needed style. I needed something more reflective of who I am.

We settle so often in our lives for comfort. For a basic black sheath and some cheap costume jewelery.

We've tried on the world's way for dealing with life and accepted it.

We settle for the convention of "nice" instead of the radical idea of "grace".

We offer civility instead of true kindness to people.

We offer politeness instead of patience.

We give condescension instead of humility.

It's so much easier that way. People don't question us...our sanity or motives when we conform to the world's standards of what's decent behavior to our fellow humans. But when you love and live like Jesus did... when you realize how dearly loved you are and choose to live a reflection of that love...well, then, you can appear foolish, radical, and just simply too much. It's easier to blend. To wear our black sheath dresses and fit in.

But that's not the end to which we're called and it's also not reflective of who we truly are. If we belong to Christ, we're a new creation. The old is gone. No more black sheath's for us. We're called to grace, mercy, kindness, compassion, justice and peace...reflecting Christ in us.

He has shown you, o man. And what does God require of you? To act justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. ~The Prophet Micah

Never Satisfied.

The first time I heard U2's I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For, way back in 1987, I arrogantly thought oh, those poor guys. So close to Truth, yet missing it. Still looking when God is right there. As if God's something you find or stumble upon or that once you "find" Him, that's it. Over the years it's increasingly clear that they're not the ones who missed it, I was. I misunderstood the song and the sentiment. I think I understand it better now.

My adult life I've longed for satisfaction.
Constantly fighting against discontent, I seek to practice contentedness.
Not wanting to be a negative, complaining, never enough kind of girl, I've looked for fulfillment often confusing it with peace.
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
In my middle age, I realize that's a good thing
God wants me never satisfied.
He wants my heart longing.
He wants me seeking and searching and fervently looking; desperate for more.
There's purpose in the pursuit.
He wants me seeking more Him.
He wants me never satisfied with the status quo.
Good enough isn't enough when it comes to God.
More and more and more and forever more God.

Looking and seeking and searching until Kingdom Come.

You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
where there is no water. ~David

Dream Weaver

I had the oddest dream the other night. Well, morning really.
I haven't been sleeping well. I wake in the wee hours drenched in sweat, feeling like my insides are a radiator...ahhh the beauty of middle age. Anyway, I usually get up, walk around a little then end up on the couch where I can fall asleep for an hour or two.
The other morning, as I restlessly slept on the couch, I dreamt I was being pursued. By a man. Not creepy- pursued: romantically- pursued.
And not by my husband.
I told Brad he must have died or something because he was nowhere in the dream. But the kids were there, encouraging me.
And my pursuer? Jay Leno.
I know. Weird. I don't watch the late Show and haven't seen or heard anything of Leno in several months, yet there he was, in my dream, declaring his undying love for me.

As you can imagine, it was strange. But the strange (and I have to admit shocking) thing to me was my response.
I thought in my dream Well, he's not that good looking...he's not a christian...but he is really funny and has lots of money...so.... sure, I'll go with it.
I threw away my scruples about dating someone of the same faith pretty fast in the light of humor and money.
I'm not sure what it says about me.
Hopelessly shallow...worried about finances...needing a laugh...who knows.
I'm trying not to over analyze it or feel guilty...it was a dream for crying out loud.
But really...very strange.
Tell me your weird dreams so I don't feel so ridiculous.