Yes

Labeled a "drama" I knew what I was getting into. But I'd heard it was good and I could handle some drama.

Amid flashbacks and beautiful scenery, the first few minutes gave me an idea of the intensity level and quality of the film. I didn't want to, but 15 minutes in, I had to stop the movie. I turned it off and went to my meeting knowing I wouldn't get a chance to watch the rest until the next day.

Only 15 minutes of the movie made an impact. Last night, I dreamt of it. And it was a frightening dream. We were in danger; at the hands of evil men masquerading as friends. And in the dream fear gripped me and I didn't want to do what I knew I needed to do. But I thought (in the dream) this is the year of yes...ok...this will probably end in my death, but yes...I'll go with what I'm supposed to do and not succumb to the fear.

Well, I don't know the end of the dream because I made myself wake up.

Yes. I'm one of those people who seem to have some control over my dreams. It's inconvenient in this case because I'd like to know if I survived and how.

I finished the film today and loved it...all the gritty, sad, thrilling, redemptive, dark parts of it. It's one of those movies that seems strange to label as entertaining. Thought provoking is a more apt phrase.

But this post isn't actually supposed to be about the movie. It's about the yes. Just two short weeks after writing that post where I claimed yes as my word for the year and I feel like I'm right back where I started: motivated by fear rather than trust, struggling with the same thought patterns, saying yes when it's convenient or easy and running when it's hard.

Example: I sat in a long meeting yesterday and didn't contribute a thing. Partly because I didn't have a lot to add, but mostly because I didn't want to look like an idiot. I was out of my element. It was a large group. There were lots of scary men.* Everyone had a basic level of knowledge about the subject that was far beyond mine.

Insecurity.

Envy.

Discontent.
Fear.

Why do I say yes to these negative, counterproductive thoughts and no to risk and trust?

I've been beating myself up a little today** over it but then my dream came back to me. I said yes in my dream. The will and desire are there floating around in my subconscious. Now for the actions to be in the real world. That will be a happy day.

As I reread the above, apart from being annoyed by my ramb-ly writing and inability to articulate what I really mean, I feel I need to explain my yes year. I do and always have said yes when it comes to relationships. God's made it very clear that there's no saying no when He wants someone in my life. No matter how taxing, annoying, draining or needy they are, if He put them in my life it's for a reason. I guess what I mean by saying yes is that I naturally shy away(run) from anything that might bring conflict. I also know I'm prone to take the road of least resistance when it comes to life in general. And the life of least resistance becomes an ordinary, boring life where growth is difficult and stagnancy results. So, my quest of yes is a quest for greater trust. A quest to look for and see God's vision and willingly embrace it.

I'm curious, when is it hard for you to say yes in life?

*They weren't really scary or mean at all--it's just me and my issues.

**Don't worry, more like self-deprecating than beating.