People often ask me about the name of my blog... click here to read the story.

Monday, February 21, 2011


"I am somebody cause God don't make no junk" ~Ethel Waters

The way he said it made me smile (well, smirk). Telling a story about high school he made sure to include the term "varsity" before the word basketball. Whether or not he played varsity ball in high school had zero bearing on the story he was telling. So why include it? I've done it a million times: feeling insecure for one reason or another, I name drop or include useless facts that somehow might impress someone. It's ridiculous. A group a adults turn into insecure 17 year olds trying to be accepted or noticed or one up someone else.
When we first moved here, to Iowa, I was 24. New baby, first time as a stay at home mom, only four years of marriage under my belt, I struggled with my identity. I tried to fit in to my little community but every time I opened my mouth about anything from politics to religion, music to decorating, faith to movies, I received either blank or incredulous stares. That's how I perceived them, anyway.

Then, as more babies came and I continued to struggle with everything in life, the realization dawned that I was depressed.

I read my Bible fervently, endlessly.

I prayed, begging God for relief and healing.

I sought counselling.

I learned coping skills.

I trained my thoughts so I was telling myself Truth.

I took meds.

All of it helped. A little.

After years of struggling with the ups and downs of both major and chronic depression,there's countless times I feel like God made a mistake. I was a mistake. He didn't want me this way. I didn't want to be this way. But try as I might, I couldn't/can't change it.

"I" couldn't...can't change it.
I can do what I'm called to do and responsible to do (basically the above "list") but only God can bring healing or change.
Only God.
And although He's granted times of reprieve, there's not been healing to this point.

He's also began to teach me that things I've seen as a result of depression, or things I hate about myself are simply part of who I am. They're not always good or bad, they just are. They're part of the personality He gave me.
We walk around (especially as Christians) and make value judgements about things that we have no business judging. Happy people=good people. Sad people=bad people. Happy, positive=faithful. Sad, melancholy=faithless. The thought process goes something like: If you're trusting God (reeeally trusting God) then you'll be happy (joy filled, positive, and probably quoting lots of scripture). If you're doubting, sad or depressed then you must not be trusting enough.
Yes, I've over simplified it, but there it is.

So what do you do? When you think God's made a mistake with you--at the core? What do you do? Keep trying to change it? Give up and give in? Accept it?

God doesn't make mistakes. I'm sure of that.

He also wants to keep stretching and growing us for His purposes. I'm also sure of that.

But beyond those two things, the only thing I'm sure of is Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so.


Nancy @ Drawn In By Undeniable Grace said...

Thank you.... and you know what the meaning is behind those 2 words... you are loved, my friend. I am so thankful that we share the same "thorn", not that either of us asked for or wanted this thorn, but knowing that someone else... "gets it", is priceless.

kaesee said...

My eyes move all across the earth so that I can strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Me. I look to the ends of the earth and see everything under the heavens. My eyes are on your ways, and I see all your steps. I look from heaven and see all who inhabit the earth. My daughter, don't forget that I AM the One who fashioned your heart. I AM the one who understands all your works.
There is nowhere you can run from My presence. I AM wherever you are. Darkness cannot overwhelm you because darkness is not dark to me. For me, the night is as bright as the day. My eyes are on the righteous. I see what you give and pray and fast in secret. You are not invisible to me. I Am your Guardian God. I will not let your foot slip, neither will I fall asleep or slumber. I will be your guard when you leave and when you return. I am the guardian who watches over you now and always.
You are my beloved and I AM your God who sees.
-from do you know who i am, A. Thomas
You are loved Miss Patty - Karen

Jennifer @ Getting Down With Jesus said...

That thing you're sure of? It shows. It really does.

P.S. -- I don't know what I love more about this post: your writing or your son's response over on Facebook.