February

It's a pattern that's repeated itself so many times in my heart and mind that I don't know when it started and can't imagine it will ever end. Beginning with disappointment leading to feelings of failure giving rise to thoughts of despair, this downward spiral starts small. But like a vortex of a tornado, it picks up speed as is draws in everything in its path. I've gotten better at recognizing it and doing everything in my power to stop it; exerting all my effort and will so it(the monster of depression) doesn't effect those closest to me. But the twister, at times an F5 but most days much smaller, keeps weaving its destructive path wreaking havoc in my heart and mind.
It's exhausting. Some days, fighting it takes so much energy. I long to give in, but I know that's not the answer and only compounds the problem.
But persevering can be so hard. Every where I look, every where I turn, every thing I read or hear is a potential threat to the contentment and hope of a moment.
That's what it is...a moment by moment battle.
In Bible study last night I mustered my strength and courage, and in between the laughs and catching up (we haven't met for 8 weeks), I shared- through tears- once again (they've heard it oh, so many times), my on going struggle to live each day and sometimes each moment, without giving up.

Just last week I was thinking that I felt pretty good...maybe it (February--it's always the worst) would be fine this year despite the gray sky's and mounds of snow (which, incidentally, will probably still be visible in May--and I'm not exaggerating or being dramatic for those of you who live further south).
But alas "...February rolls around and I roll my eyes..."

In Like A Lion (Always Winter) (track #12 on the player)
Relient K

It's always nice to look out the window
And see those very first few flakes of snow
And later on we can go outside
And create the impression of an angel that just fell from the sky

When February rolls around I'll roll my eyes
Turn a cold shoulder to these even colder skies
And by the fire my heart it heaves a sigh
For the green grass waiting on the other side

It's always winter but never Christmas
It seems this curse just can't be lifted
Yet in the midst of all this ice and snow
Our hearts stay warm cause they are filled with hope

It'd be so nice to look out the window
And see the leaves on the trees begin to show
The birds would congregate and sing
A song of birth a song of newer things

The wind would calm and the sun would shine
I'd go outside and I'd squint my eyes
But for now I will simply just withdraw
Sit here and wish for this world to thaw

And everything it changed overnight
This dying world you brought it back to life
And deep inside I felt things
Shifting everything was melting
Away oh away
And you gave us the most beautiful of days

Cause when it's always winter but never Christmas
Sometimes it feels like you're not with us
But deep inside our hearts we know
That you are here and we will not lose hope

You know, I talk about my own struggles, I don't know what yours are. Perhaps you've never experienced a despairing thought in your life-thank God. But I know that I know that I know there are individuals reading this who are hurting & struggling today with a myriad of issues. I guess I'm here to remind you that you're not alone. There is Hope.

"...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Heb 12: 1-3

Drink Deep

Sunday night
Filled with family, fun, & church, the weekend was good.
But then came the email. Written politely, kindly, not meant to upset me... it blindsided me. All my fears, anxieties, and inadequacies rushed to the surface and came out in a flood of tears. I went to bed exhausted, worried, full of fervent prayers and tears still staining my cheeks.

Monday Morning
There's that moment, between sleeping and waking, where the conscious and the unconscious touch and mingle. The period when memories of yesterday and all that's ahead for this day haven't yet invaded your brain. It's bliss, really...this free-associating in between; this no man's land. But in an instant it's gone. Either the pain of yesterday's memories or the pressure of today barge in and steal the beauty of a night of rest.

Fully awake, knowing I needed to lay aside my pride and insecurities and deal with the email, I dragged myself from the warm bed...from denial...from escape...and put my bare feet on the cold hard floor to face reality.
I had a cup to drink and it wasn't filled with coffee.

"Going a little farther, he [Jesus] fell with his face to the ground and prayed, 'My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.'" Matthew 26:39

Jesus knew he had a decision to make. Either accept his "cup": betrayal, anguish and finally death on the cross; or reject it and therefore reject God. For our salvation, He chose the bitter cup at great cost to himself and of infinite worth to us.

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.'" Matthew 16:24

We all have cups to drink. Mine, on this Monday morning, was nothing compared with Christ's. I know that. But it was still mine and no one else's. My husband couldn't drink it. My friends couldn't drink it, or my kids, or my pastor, or my mom...it was mine.
Sometimes our cups in this life are sweet, overflowing with blessing: magical weddings, long awaited adoptions, miracle pregnancies, financial stability making you able to give and give and give, a happy home, healing from a physical ailment...
Sometimes the cup's bitter, filled with anguish beyond our comprehension: loss of a child, divorce, betrayal, abuse, financial hardship, the day to day living with a chronic illness, the consequences of past mistakes...

We don't have a choice but to drink; to live this life. But how we drink it, how we live it, is everything.

Oswald Chambers wrote: "If God has made your cup sweet, drink it with grace; if He has made it bitter, drink it in communion with Him. If the providential order of God for you is a hard time of difficulty, go through with it, but never choose the scene of your martyrdom."

Reading this quote on Saturday prepared me for drinking my cup on Monday. I re-read the email, reevaluated it and my response and decided I couldn't choose the site of my own martyrdom, all I could do was respond honestly and "drink it in communion with Him."

this life...

***please, dear reader, please, know that I'm ok...deep in my heart, I'm ok. I feel like I'm called to be really honest, in this very public blog, even though I may be misunderstood. My husband read it and said "Do you have a point?" The truthful answer is, not necessarily. I know what my words are to me, I have no idea what they'll be to you. That being said, read on.***


i'm so tired.
there are days, today being one of them, i'm exhausted with this life.
i see grey in front of me and grey behind me and grey encompassing me.
where's the color in this life?
this past weekend while watching a pbs show, this emotional life, i found out that part of the brain of a person who suffers from depression is smaller than most people's.
ohhhh, so that's why i struggle with depression, why this life is grey.
i have a little brain.
great, that's very helpful.
what next.
i can't make my hippocampus bigger.
so this is it.
this is life...
abundant? actually it is...
joyful? in my deep heart i am...
faith filled? i'm still here, believing...
good? yeah, despite the grey, life is good.
it doesn't look the way i expected, this life.
i don't feel like i think i should or how i always want to feel in this life.
but GOD is here in this life.
he doesn't look the way i think he should look.
he doesn't act in ways i understand.
GOD is here in this life.
i know he is, because i still am. here. breathing. living.
GOD.
mysterious. silent at times. confusing.
but GOD is here in this life.
are you doubting him in this life?
wondering if he's real?
i consider the fact that i'm alive...functioning...hopefully adding to society in a positive way... as proof that there is a GOD in this life.
and although i don't often understand much about him, he does care.

Frosting

We woke up this morning to a world painted white.
Frost covers the trees.
Snow buries the ground.
Walking outside, I'm surrounded by sparkles and glitter as the frost blows off the branches.
All against a back-drop of cloudless blue sky.
I catch my breath...
Difficult to take it all in...
Beauty at its finest...
Once again, this spiritual sojourner is overtaken by the splendor of this earth that points me continually back to its Creator.

music: Can't Take it in (track #10 on my player)

Open Hands

My parents stayed with us over Christmas.
They came early to avoid a storm that rendered us knee deep in snow by Friday.
One night, we sat discussing family values. Not like Murphy Brown/ Dan Quail family values, but spoken and unspoken values that each home lives by whether they realize it or not.
Spoken values are actively taught.
Like in the home I grew up in some of our "taught" values were: loving God, going to church, being kind to people. Some spoken values in my husband's home consisted of going to church, working hard, and eating supper together every night at 6.
But unspoken values are different. As a lovely friend recently explained, unspoken family values are like banners hanging outside your home that children choose to either adopt or reject. Things like being thin, having money, a squeaky clean home, being quiet in the morning (that was one of my mom's quirks that I definitely adopted) rank as unspoken values. One unspoken value in my home of origin was generosity.
My parents stood, in the middle of their lives, with open hands ready to receive whatever God gave them and just as ready to give it away to whomever needed it. This wasn't just monetary generosity, although that was part of it. Anything they had was for anyone in their life to use and benefit from like: generosity with time, energy, praise, intellect, smiles, laughter. Although never verbalized, this open-handedness was modeled day in and day out. Stinginess played no part in my home life.

Not everyone is so blessed to see it in their home.

Also over Christmas, I witnessed the extreme contrast between living life either open handed and close-fisted.
A good customer of mine routinely buys coupons for free coffees so she can hand them out to whomever she thinks need it.
My close friends' daughter married last week and people, out of their generosity, offered candles, lights, vases, fabric...you name it...for decorating purposes.
We, as a family, received several generous gifts from people who know that's works' been scarce.
Both my friends in the real world and the blogging world (Chris @ Experiencing Grace and Peace and Jennifer @ Getting Down With Jesus) wrote about open handed giving in recent weeks.
Christmas itself, God sending His only Son so we can have free, unearned salvation, is the greatest act of open-handedness ever experienced.
Free, unconditional generosity from both God and man.
What a blessing.
On the flip side, I saw close-fisted selfishness at its worst. The greedy, selfish attitude of people fairly close to me rendered me both speechless and angry.

As I think about the people, the open handed ones and the closed-fisted ones, I'm struck with the contrast of demeanor. Since I know all the people I'm writing about, I can tell you that they share the same faith, and the same general values...yet one group gives and the other hoardes.
What does the hoarder gain by keeping what's his? When I look at this individual, I see resentment, bitterness, loneliness and deep suspicion.
What does the open handed giver receive for giving freely? I see joy, peace, friends in abundance and more generosity.

Oh, that my hands and heart would remain open to give and receive whatever God brings and that attitudes of selfishness, greed, and hoarding would be snuffed out.


Stop doing wrong,
learn to do right!
Seek justice,
encourage the oppressed.
Defend the cause of the fatherless,
plead the case of the widow.

"Come now, let us reason together,"
says the LORD.
"Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool." Isaiah 1:17

Community

For what seems like the millionth time, I click "favorites" and check Facebook or this blog or my email. I just checked a few minutes ago...I'm sure nothing has changed...yet, I need to look again.

What am I doing....what am I looking for?
In all these various checks, what am I longing for?
Friendship? I have friends.
Information? I have Google.
Inspiration? I have the Bible, art, nature, music, & books.
God? I have God.
Since I was 7, I've "had" God or more significantly He's had me.
But knowing God, having God, doesn't mean the end of longing.
In fact, I think it means the beginning of longing...true, deep, passionate, yearning for more of the One True God.
And the more He gives, the more I realize I lack and the more I want. Frustration sets in as it seems like God gets more & more elusive the closer I get to Him...but that's another topic...

So, back to my incessant need for meaningful human contact, even if it's via electronics... I realized this morning as I kept checking my various modes of communication, that I am searching for God: searching for Him, longing for His love and His words to me, through His people.

Last week I read Romans 12...verses 4 & 5 say Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.
We are the body of Christ.
We are the hands and feet of Christ-a familiar enough phrase- but have you stopped to think of what you're saying and what that means?
It means you're desperately needed. Not just by the world, but by other Christians (Galatians 6:9).

A few weeks ago, a lovely couple visited our church. She's an occasional customer of mine, so of course I visited with her & her husband after the service. They loved it. And I know her well enough to know, they genuinely loved it. They felt at ease & at home with our informality and the spirit of community we have.
But they didn't come back.
Talking with a mutual friend, I realized that they (the couple) saw the need for community when they were hurting; when they needed something. But they didn't see how valuable they were to someone else's community. When have I done that? Underestimated what God wanted me to be to a certain group of people? Underestimated His presence in me and how it ministered to others?
We think we're being humble by deflecting praise or denying our worth, but we're actually being selfish...withholding something we're made to give.
"...we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10
You, dear reader, are needed.
There are things God has planned for you. Jeremiah 29:11, a beautiful passage, is quoted so often: "For I know the plans I have for you , declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future."
But how does He prosper you and give you hope and help you realize your future? Many times, it's through others. Yes, He wants to bless you and prosper you, but He wants to bless and minister and provide for someone else also and through you.
Someone in your life needs what you have to offer.

Supreme Darkness

There’s no light in the sky.
Early morning, before dawn, I love the quiet.
I love the peace.
I love being the only one awake in the morning.
Still sleepy, I stumble through the house. Not yet ready to acknowledge that my day started, I don’t want to turn on the lights, but my mind is busy with all the preparations of life in the sunlit hours. Laundry to wash, food to prepare, heart to quiet.
Why is “heart to quiet” always the last on my mental list? I don’t even realize it’s not quiet until I notice myself distracted, anxious, and short tempered…and it’s not even light out and no one else is awake.
Thankfully, He calls me.
Gently, quietly, persistently, he calls me to come away with Him. Sometimes that means sitting with my journal, other times it’s pouring over scripture, but today, he called me to the keyboard. Not sure where to start or what to write, I look out the window at the blackness and think once again about the beautiful way God uses creation to point to Himself and remind us of His faithfulness.
It’s black now, but dawn will come.
It comes every day.
The seasons change, the time of dawn and dusk changes, but it still comes; as faithful as He is yet dictated by Him.
For my birthday last year, a dear friend gave me “The Dark night of the Soul” by St. John of the Cross. Not easy reading, by any means. In fact, I'm barely halfway through and it's a not a long book. Although it's hard to get through, I love it. I love that a Spanish, Carmelite monk from the 16th century could write a poem (and exposition on it) that speaks Truth to me 500 years later. It’s given me a new love and appreciation and understanding for the dark nights in my own soul. I’m learning not to despise them or see them as something merely to endure, but rather to see them as a place to meet an infinitely mysterious God.
This mysterious God in the dark night isn’t necessarily a comfort and doesn’t give cozy feelings of love and protection. In fact, at times, His absence is more profound than His presence. But His lurking presence is there.
Like a black hole that can’t be seen but draws everything around it in; that’s God. Like Aslan chasing Shasta & Aravis in "The Horse & His Boy"—dangerous yet there for protection; like Aragorn in the "Lord of the Rings" sitting in the corner of the Prancing pony-- menacing yet somehow good… that’s this “dark night” God.
As light begins to break and this day will start whether I’m ready for it or not, I give the day and the nights ahead, once again, to You, my mysterious, chasing, pursuing, sometimes silent but always good God.

Psalm 30
I will exalt you, O LORD,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
O LORD my God, I called to you for help
and you healed me.
O LORD, you brought me up from the grave;
you spared me from going down into the pit.
Sing to the LORD, you saints of his;
praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
When I felt secure, I said,
"I will never be shaken."
O LORD, when you favored me,
you made my mountain stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.
To you, O LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
"What gain is there in my destruction,
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me;
O LORD, be my help."
You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.