Insecurity Check.

I did it again. Hitting the reply to all button I voiced only half my opinion and said it in a wishy washy way even though I actually had a strong argument. Why do I do that? Why am I so afraid of offending? Of disagreeing with others? It's ridiculous. Some of it's insecurity. And some of it is genuinely not wanting to put people off in a way that would keep them from God. But really, it's mostly because I'm a relationship person and if relationships aren't ok then nothing feels ok. Take today for example. There's a good chance I'm going to run into someone I know from my past at the cross country meet. The last time I saw her, the reception was chilly at best. It's all I can do to not obsess about seeing her again. Will she ignore me this time? Will she be civil? Why do I care so much? If she doesn't like me she doesn't like me. All I can do is be kind and be myself. I can't control her response any more than I can control the weather so why spend so much brain energy on it?

Arghhh.

That's it. Next time I'm asked for an opinion, I'm giving it in full.

Maybe.

Unless is controversial.

Or I feel like I do today.

And at the meet today?

I will not obsess I will not obsess I will not obsess I will not obsess I will not obsess I will not obsess I will not obsess

Knowing

To know and be known.
I've written on it, prayed about it, and spent countless hours thinking about it. Simultaneously I've both longed for it and pushed it away.
We all want to know someone intimately and with certainty.
And we all want to be known both intimately and with certainty.
To have someone anticipate our words or pick the perfect gift not because we told them but because they know us that well, proves rare and elusive. Even as spouses it's difficult to achieve then maintain that sort of intimacy.

But whether we realize it or not, we desire it and seek it.

I can't help but wonder why.

Why do we care? Especially if we're Christians and believe in an all sufficient God, why do we care if others know us? Isn't the Creator of the Universe knowing us enough?

Apparently not or we wouldn't feel so desperate for human love, companionship and belonging.

Saying it and feeling it are fine, but living "I love you" matters for eternity. It matters because it expresses knowing and being known. It's more than hoping to be known. When you live love for someone they are known. I'm afraid I'm not articulating what I mean very well. I'll have to think some more...

The Long and Winding Road

You can see for miles. Roads stretch out before you with very little to obstruct the view. Over the open prairie, the sky's big and the earth gently heaves and sighs. It's beautiful and I've grown to love it.

On our way to Gavin's Point Dam over the July 4th weekend, we drove over hills and through dales that actually twist and turn so you can't always see where the road leads. I found myself looking down the byways and wondering what was around the bend. One little road, for some reason, seemed magical. It looked lovely and mysterious and like it could only hold treasures.

In my younger years, I'm quite sure I saw my future through those same curious, hopeful eyes; anticipating the best kind of magic. But at some point in my life, I'm not even sure when or how it happened, my view changed. What lay beyond the bend became something I feared. Instead of hopefully trusting that life (or more aptly the Giver of Life) would be full of ups and downs and twists and turns that eventually always lead to someplace lovely, I started believing that danger lurked in the unknown places.

Maybe it's because not knowing what's next makes life not only unpredictable but messy. When Brad's feeling out of control over something in his life, he quotes Steve Martin from Parenthood: "I don't like messy." I don't know if any of us like messy, but at some point we all have to accept that it's part of life and we can either 1) live with it begrudgingly, 2) keep trying to manage and contrive and control and drive everyone-including ourselves- crazy or C) Look beyond the mess and enjoy the journey despite the uncertainty.