Sometimes

sometimes...
when the silent world awaits the first glimmers of sunlight, I sense it.
when I hear a baby giggle or see her precious face-filling smile, it's near enough to touch.
when my heart is almost breaking but doesn't, I'm reminded of it.
when the music takes over my senses and I'm transported by the sound, it's right there.
when hurt, death and destruction loom heavy on the horizon but redemption and grace rain down, I know it's real.
when the full moon fills the night sky, I look for it.

when grieving parents hold onto hope, it becomes an actuality.
when surrounded by loved ones sharing life, I know it's value.
when beauty enraptures me, I'm reminded that I can't hold it like a greedy child with candy.

when Truth drowns out all the other voices in my life, I long for it.

when I'm caught up in the tangible, surrounded by the pressures of the present, I hears it's echos calling me away...
calling me to lose this world to gain it...

It's so close I can touch it, yet so elusive it feels impossible.
It's sings a song deep in my being and reminds me that this world is not my home.


"What do people really get for all their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.
And I know that whatever God does is final. Nothing can be added to it or taken from it. God’s purpose is that people should fear him. What is happening now has happened before, and what will happen in the future has happened before, because God makes the same things happen over and over again." Ecclesiastes 3:9-15

Off the Hook

**"Dread remorse when you are tempted to err, Miss Eyre; remorse is the poison of life."
"Repentance is said to be its cure, sir."
"It is not its cure. Reformation may be its cure..."

I think about stuff a lot.

Because of some interesting circumstances, I've been thinking about remorse and regret.

Are remorse and regret the same thing?
Regret, for me, speaks to a missed opportunity because of a choice (either bad or benign) that I made.
Remorse seems deeper. Remorse means I made a hurtful decision and either I or someone else had to pay painful consequences.
Regret carries with it the idea of lost hopes and dreams.
Remorse carries the burden of bad choices.
Remorse makes you cringe every time you think of your prior actions.
Even if everyone around you lets you off the hook, remorse clings like the pungent smell of skunk in your heart and soul.
So is repentance remorse's cure, as Bronte so eloquently writes in Jane Eyre, or reformation?
Is repenting--turning from what caused the remorse--enough? Or does is require reforming--changing---replacing?
Simply feeling bad and saying you're sorry doesn't seem to be enough.
Remorse, to me, seems somehow hidden in the depths and tied more to how we view ourselves and our actions than to how others perceive us.
If that's the case, if it's true that it's more about how we see our own hearts, then not only is repentance and reformation necessary, but grace.
Repentance and reformation alone seem like penance.
Don't we want absolution? Don't we seek forgiveness?
Don't we need Grace?
I do.

Remorse seems to require both forgiveness from others and some inner forgiveness from ourselves to take place. But why is that so hard?
I let other people off the hook but rarely give myself a break even when I know that both people and God have let it go.
Thank God that regardless of whether I feel better or forgiven or off the hook, because of His grace, I know I am.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." Paul to the Romans

**Excerpt between Jane and Mr. Rochester from Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte.

1st Day

Nine months pregnant and two other little ones in tow, I didn't cry when he went off to Kindergarten. He was ready and excited and it was right.

When he climbed on the bus for the first day of high school, I didn't cry. But, I did worry...30 minutes away, not knowing anyone, all new school, teachers...Would he find friends? Would these years be happy or painful?

Would he make it?

Snapping pictures left and right as he made his way down the isle in his long navy robe at graduation, I didn't cry. So proud, so happy for him, and so filled with gratitude that my fears on the first day of high school were unfounded, I smiled and laughed but I did not cry.

He's not going that far away.

He'll be in the same town where he went to high school.

He knows a few people.

He's confident and fun and I have no doubt he'll be fine.

But home will feel so empty.

He's funny and quirky and kind.

He leads with quiet strength and conviction.

His "collection" of energy drink cans and numerous pairs of old Asics will be left behind as he moves ahead.

I know he'll come home again to visit...but it will never be the same.

It's good it won't be the same...his independence is something Brad & I have worked towards and prayed for and hopefully he's prepared.

But the change feels profound and hurts.

And tomorrow, after we've unloaded all his clothes, shoes, computer, fridge, and books and said one more good-bye...I just might cry.

Dear Josh,
‘May the Lord bless you
and protect you.
May the Lord smile on you
and be gracious to you.
May the Lord show you his favor
and give you his peace.’
love, Dad & Mom
Numbers 6:24-26 (New Living Translation)

Captured

"Ye are not your own." Paul sold himself to Jesus Christ. He says - I am a debtor to everyone on the face of the earth because of the Gospel of Jesus; I am free to be an absolute slave only. That is the characteristic of the life when once this point of spiritual honour is realized. Quit praying about yourself and be spent for others as the bondslave of Jesus. That is the meaning of being made broken bread and poured out wine in reality. ~Oswald Chambers


Sitting at the computer this morning, tears streaming down my face, I'm struck once again with two facts about myself: 1) I am, at the core, self-centered, selfish and all about me and 2) I am, at the core, not my own.

When I found Christ -or more aptly- He found me, I was captured. I became a prisoner of His love, grace, mercy and forgiveness. A prisoner by choice. Drawn in by His love and grace, I surrendered my rights to self to not just emulate, but actually take on Christ's nature.

But, oh how I fight against it. Day after day sometimes moment after moment I have to fight to forget about my own rights and look out for others. Even perusing other blogs, sites and facebook, it's a constant battle against envy, jealousy, judgment, harshness... My self screams out for me me me and more me and what about me. But my soul yearns for Him Him Him and please, mercifully, more Him.

Why does it continue, after all these years to be so hard? Wouldn't obedience, trust, faith and following Him come more naturally after a while? I suppose for some it does. But for this strong willed daughter, nothing about surrender is easy.

Thank God, again, that it doesn't depend on me--but on Him.

Thank God He's got a hold of me because I'd never be able to hold tight enough to Him.


Captured by tobyMac
All I wanna do

I’m Your prisoner by choice
I will rest at Your feet
And I’ll only lift my voice
When You want me to sing
It’s the beauty of Your covering that’s stealing my heart
And it’s the mystery of You that tears me apart

If I should die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take
And if I should get a peaceful sleep
I wanna wake at my Father’s feet

All I wanna do is get into You
You got me captured
By Your love
All I wanna do is stay here with You
You got me raptured
Can’t get enough

The sun’s on the rise
The sleep’s in my eyes
The dew’s on the ground
The night is disguised
There’s hope in the air
I’m fresh off a prayer
The blue mountain bean is clearin’ my stare
I make recompense
It’s all makin’ sense
Like blood in my veins
You’re my sustenance
A moment of trust
The “me” becomes “us”
The “we” become “one”
Your gift is my gust of wind
‘Til we meet again

So faith, don’t fail me now
If you touch my heart
You can feel it pound
So faith, don’t fail me now

You got me, and You won’t let go

Mercy's Door

"A beggar poor at Mercy's door, lies such a wretch as I;
Thou knowest my need is great indeed, Lord, hear me when I cry." ~John Newton

Throughout my life of faith, grace (or rather Grace) has meant everything to me. The knowledge, belief and experience that Grace is real has been a bedrock for me. Grace: being given something I didn't ask for and don't deserve that's more than I could imagine. I've been given saving Grace, sustaining Grace, guiding Grace, forgiving Grace. It's all a gift.

Lately, another reality of God ignites my soul: Mercy.
Grace is all about Love...free, unconditional, pure, saving love.
Mercy has a quality that's different. Mercy suggests being spared from something. There's an element of judgement in Mercy that makes it even more wonderful. I deserve A but am shown Mercy and get B instead. Beautiful.

The words above by John Newton, who also composed "Amazing Grace", grip my heart each time I hear them.
I show up, beggar poor...nothing to offer, nothing to give...at Mercy's door. He opens the door and instead of sending me away empty handed or throwing me some scraps then slamming the door in my face, He invites me in. Essentially, because of sin, we're all strangers to Him. And yet, even as a stranger, because of His Mercy, He opens the doors wide open. He asks me to live there...in this place of Mercy.
But here's the thing, if I leave Mercy's door, I leave beggar poor once again. I can't go there, fill up and expect to distribute the wealth I've been given as if I were Father Christmas. No, I come a beggar, and if I leave, I leave a beggar. So often, we, as Christians talk about being "filled" in such a superficial way. It's as if you can tank up on God like you would gas and run for a while until you're empty then go back for more filling. He's not a cosmic gas station. I come to God with nothing and I leave Him with nothing.
The only way I can share His gifts...the only way to be "filled" is by staying at His Mercy Door and truly becoming a channel or instrument of His grace, love, forgiveness and mercy...not a distributor of it.


"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command." ~the apostle John

Kindness

I've witnessed father's abandon their children, wives throw out their wedding vows like yesterday's garbage, children of all ages disrespect and dishonor their parents, wayward children wreak havoc in their homes, parents swiftly hurl insults that cut their children off at the knees, leaders in the community live lies-cheat-steal; again and again and again I've seen people hurt one another by their words and actions. Rarely do people who've wounded deeply ever understand the pain they leave in the wake of their choices.
Thank God I've also seen reconciliation and healing: marriages put back together, forgiveness among siblings, and individuals restored. But I'm convinced that none of us truly realizes the impact of our actions on those around us. We don't get how the littlest word can cut deeply and leave a festering wound. It's interesting to me that we think the world revolves around us and yet, at the same time, somehow, think that how we act doesn't have a deep, lasting impact on others. It's an odd little game we play in our minds- putting ourselves in the center of the universe, playing little gods, and all the while not owning the pain we cause or even seeing that we cause it.
If we realized how much we've hurt others could we handle it? Some of us would be crushed under the weight of our sin and would curl up into little balls of guilt and never recover. God is so patient with us...so kind...so gentle. I believe as we seek Him, honestly seek Him, He slowly shows us our sin and the impact of it on others. No one else can do it--can show us our sin--we probably wouldn't believe them or think they over reacting.
But truly, as we realize the kindness and compassion of God-- the amazing gift of forgiveness we have through Him and His Son--we are led to repentance...led to forgiveness...led to wholeness. Not in our time or other people's time, but in His perfect time.

Vacuuming.

I was up early this morning. Groggy, wiping sleep from my eyes, I stumbled down stairs at dawn-- the light barely showing in the east. Why, you ask, was I up before the garbage man?
To go for an early run?
To meditate?
To savor the pristine beauty of the quiet morning?
To get an early start on cleaning my house and being a perfect wife and mother?
Shyah- right.
No. I was up at 5 a.m. to shop. After throwing in a load of laundry, I immediately went on line and started perusing J.Jill for dresses and sandals.
Do I have money for new clothes? No.
Do I need any clothes? Absolutely not. I have a closet bursting full.
So why? Why was this tired, worn out, busy mom up at sunrise to Internet shop?
Yes, I have a wedding to go to. Yes, my sandals are are wearing out.
But really? Miss the beauty and quiet of the morning to stare at a computer screen and shop for things I don't need and can't afford?
What's the point?
As I came to my senses (around 6:03) and realized I was still really tired, I went and laid down on the couch. All I could think about was what I 'd been doing: wasting time, energy, and sleep on a frivolous, meaningless, purposeless activity. As I tried to get comfortable and perhaps fall back to sleep, a quote from Blaise Pascal kept going through my mind: “There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every person, and it can never be filled by any created thing.
It can only be filled by God, made known through Jesus Christ.”
Obsessive eating, shopping, exercising, planning, cleaning, cooking, working, playing all points to, what I believe, is the truth of this quote: namely that we're searching. Vacuums suck up everything in their paths until they are filled. All the gods in the world can't fill the vacuum that's God shaped. No person, passion, experience, religion, learning...nothing can fill it except God himself. So we all keep sucking everything up but are still left with the void. Even those who profess Christ (like myself) fall quickly and easily into looking to everything but God for the source of Life. Why? I think because it's easier to look for meaning in what we know and can understand and is tangible than to work on a relationship with a Being we can only begin to comprehend.
I'm an extremely relational person, and yet, there I times I want to avoid every contact and be a hermit. Why? Because relationships are messy...we get hurt...we have misunderstandings... we set up unrealistic expectations...we look to others to be more than they're meant to be....
So why wouldn't all that "messy" apply to our relationship with God? Because He's perfect? All the more reason on our end for it to be messy and complicated. Our relationship with God is messy because we're messy, imperfect, searching, vacuuming people...and He created us that way. He could have created little perfect mini-me's or automatons. But He didn't. He created us, and all our earthy-ness and set Eternity in our hearts so we'd seek for Him.
May my vacuuming not be in vain today, God.

*Photo by Robert Donsker Photography, "Prairie Sunrise"